Hi Never Settle
I am in a new relationship and everything has been going well… that is until my boyfriend stumbled upon one of my sex toys, and ended up getting really angry about it. He says he absolutely hates them and finds the size of them threatening. I explained they don’t replace sex but every time it comes into conversation it ends up in an argument.
I don’t feel like there is anything wrong with sex toys and feel he’s been totally unreasonable. He also owns a flesh light, so feel like he is being really hypocritical. Rather than talk to me about it, he ended up going in a mood for a week without any explanation. I don’t know if it’s a bad warning sign, or if I’m being harsh and comparing him unfavourably to my ex who loved sex toys and was very laid back.
My new guy wants me to throw the sex toys away completely – I could easily live without them but feel like on principle I should tell him no and he’ll just have to deal with them…
Dear Unsure reader,
Thank you for your question! This is a topic alot of people have struggled with.
Firstly, your boyfriend needs to respect that it’s your body, and you can possess items, and choose what you want to do with your own body. No one has the right to dictate what you own or do. This is not your fault and you are not thinking unreasonably.
Everyone is different: some people like using sex toys, some people don’t. Neither is right or wrong, but it’s really important for your partner to respect your choices and keep an open mind.
It sounds like he’s insecure about you owning them, but it’s important for him to realise that they’re not a substitute for him.
The other option is that you can always use them together. There are plenty of couples toys out there. LELO have a great couples range which is great for supplementing your sex life, and experimenting if he feels threatened.
The problem if you let him get his way, and throw away your toys, what else will he demand you to change? One change will likely lead to more changes, which is unhealthy, especially if he has his own flesh light toy.
I’m sure he is great, but especially this early on in the relationship, it sounds like he’s starting to show signs of possessive behaviour. This in turn will lead to a bigger overarching issue. Usually the problems start small, and gradually over time you become more limited in what you’re ‘allowed’ to do. It’s manipulative, and you end up becoming oblivious to the controlling unhealthy behaviour.
One of the biggest signs of emotionally manipulative behaviour is that it’s one rule for you, and another for them. With him owning his own flesh light, this is clearly hypocritical and you should make it clear now, early on, that his behaviour isn’t acceptable.
If he chooses to go off in a mood, or it always ends in an argument, then you should let him realise that you’re not going to accept that behaviour and if he doesn’t like it, then he can find someone else. Chances are he will come round when he realises he can’t tell you what to do.
If he doesn’t, then do you really want to get be in a long-term relationship with someone who is willing to walk away when you deny them the right to dictate what you do?
I hope that helps, and good luck – but as you say – it’s the principle of controlling behaviour, actions and possessions which should be nipped in the bud!
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