Cheating… There are two schools of thought on this one. The first: it’s abominable. It’s the worst thing you can do to someone if in a relationship. The second: It’s exciting, you’re not happy and why not have some fun.
Before I continue, this post is for those in the second camp. Those who think… “hey, why not, they’ll never find out anyway”. Or if you’re confused, or not sure if you love them anymore, you think it’s okay to do this to figure out your own feelings.
If you are thinking about cheating on your partner, or talking to someone else whilst in a relationship, you probably should read this:
How would you feel if your partner was doing the same thing?
Just imagine, you really really care and love your partner, you’ve been together for a while and you trust them implicitly. Then one day, you see a message flash up on their phone – it’s a name you don’t recognise. Your heart starts thudding and you take a curious peek. You find flirty messages to another person, they’re talking in a way they don’t talk to you anymore. Your stomach plunges into a thick void of uncertainty. Surely not. Not the person you love.
Suddenly your world is tipped upside down and everything you know is… a lie. That last time you kissed them – were they thinking of someone else? Have they touched someone else? Imagine having to think about the person you love snuggling up in someone else’s arms – doing all the things they do with you. And keeping it all a secret.
You probably don’t like thinking about it. In fact, it probably makes you feel a little bit sick.
That’s what your partner will go through when they inevitably find out.
The grass is always greener…
It is almost never worth cheating on someone.
We live in a disposable society, where if something isn’t working as we want it to – we throw it away and get something newer, or so we believe – ever dissatisfied. Often finding the newer version isn’t much better than the previous version. The same is with relationships.
The excitement will wear off, I promise you, and you will be left with a huge lie
That high when you start talking to someone new – they’re exciting, different, they get you in ways your partner doesn’t. You want to do all these exciting things with them, talking about things you have in common. This is GREAT.
But two weeks down the line, they start saying things which bug you. They are too clingy, too chatty. They want to see you more and more, and actually you start craving the person you have cheated on. This new person goes from being a fantastic perfect escape, to actually… a bit of a nightmare.
Suddenly you desperately want that old life back. The one with the person who knows you inside and out, the person who loves you no matter what. You realise that your partner is actually really great for you, and whilst the new person is new and different… it’s just not the same. The click isn’t there.
But you’ve cheated now. And if your partner finds out… that’s it you’ve lost them forever. Shit.
You start wishing you never did anything. It was stupid.
Then a few weeks later… your partner finds out. They’re broken. They leave you.
And you’re left wondering why the hell you cheated in the first place.
The permanent psychological damage you leave behind
We all know it hurts people to cheat. But what is the extent of the actual damage left behind?
Being cheated on can leave a cruel, long-lasting impact on people’s mental health, self-esteem and overall confidence. When someone is cheated on, it can affect every single part of their life. There is a real initial shock, panic and a deep sadness and loss. They go into anger, then there is a bit of guilt and depression.
The betrayed person sometimes experiences PTSD (Post Traumatic Stress Disorder). Symptoms including trauma-induced panic attacks and triggering events which leave them severely anxious.
When people are betrayed, their mental state can sometimes result in losing their jobs, members of their family and unfortunately it can also lead to self-harm, eating disorders and even thoughts of suicide.
Trust is also another issue. Because you’ve trusted someone and you completely believed in them, only to shatter your perception of the truth. It impacts your ability to trust yourself and others. Being cheated on can permanently damage someone’s ability to open up and implicitly trust anyone again.
You’re left with crippling doubts, you feel insecure, unworthy and paranoid. When your partner has an affair, you often feel like you’re not “enough” — not fun enough, sexy enough, smart enough, pretty enough, fit enough or whatever. You start obsessing about bettering yourself, so you won’t be hurt or betrayed again. It’s an exhausting, stressful, insecure way to live. By constantly trying to prove yourself, you become an actor in your own life instead of freely being exactly who you are.
According to psychiatrist Anna Fels, infidelity also undermines the truth of your personal history. It corrupts your life story. You now question memories. You constantly review the past trying to piece together what you thought was happening with what was actually taking place. You beat yourself up for being so naive, and you become bitter about others who knew the truth, but didn’t tell you
This is someone’s life you’re toying with. A simple moment’s weakness can lead to a lifetime of psychological pain.
What is actually the problem in the relationship? And is cheating going to solve it?
Perhaps you don’t feel loved. You feel confused and bored. Your partner never compliments you anymore. Your routine has gone stale.
But there was a reason why you were with your partner. Maybe you fell in love with their smile, the way they always know what you’re thinking. Your common interests, or the way you bounce off each other.
[Read: The #1 Reason A Relationship Goes Stale]When things get tough, often people emotionally leave the relationship, finding outside distractions or cheating. If only we could communicate our concerns to each other without feeling it is falling on deaf ears, or it turning into a blazing row. Continually sniping at each other, or trying to ignore it, bottling it up and hoping it will resolve itself. Until that fateful day when one turns to the other and says ’ I want out – I’ve had enough’!
Perhaps if you put in the effort, commitment and care into your current partner, in the same way you would someone new – then your relationship will flourish.
The problem is, cheating won’t solve your relationship issues, and maybe that’s not what you’re looking for. But cheating leaves a mess. It’s a messy, dangerous way of leaving a relationship, or figuring out what you want.
[Read: 10 Small Ways To Make Your Partner’s Day (And Add A Little Spark Back In Your Love Life!)]
At the end of the day, if none of this bothers you – perhaps you shouldn’t be in the relationship at all.
Some people think it’s an easy way out – jumping from relationship to relationship, and if cheating happens, so be it. You’re not affected, right?
You want to have the best of both worlds – a secure relationship to fall back on, and a new exciting experience with someone new, however it nearly always turns sour and you end up losing both. Don’t try and have your cake and eat it…
It’s your decision, but ending things with your partner will be a lot less painful for everyone in the long run. Don’t string them along on this journey of pain.
