My Struggles of Dating in a Pandemic | The Nice Guy Writes

dating pandemic

If only dating in a pandemic was as easy as baking banana bread

Post written by Tom Dockerill, The Nice Guy Writes

Do you ever read articles about how the COVID-19 pandemic has blown off the cobwebs of a stale dating environment, providing a newfound depth and sense of adventure?

Do you read about how lockdown dating has led to a revival of more honest and well-grounded relationships? 

Do you see trending Facebook posts about new and creative ways to hold virtual dates with your love interests? 

I do. I’ve seen lots of them. 

I usually read them from under my blanket whilst eating Ben and Jerry’s and listening to Celine Dion’s thunderous ‘All By Myself’, whilst looking at a rather inactive Bumble match list. 

When Eve asked me to write a post about dating in a pandemic, I thought to myself: ‘wow, there must be plenty of people who are struggling with this, like me.’

‘My experiences as a singleton in the apocalypse may resonate with someone out there and give them hope or even laughter’ I continued.
I then thought: ‘maybe one of her followers will read this and slide into my DMs’.  

‘I hope they like bad puns and a guy who can moonwalk!’ I added. 

Before long, I realised I was having a full-blown conversation with myself in the mirror and the horrifying effects of a lockdown on my mental wellbeing came into fruition .

Let me be clear: I completely understand how removing having to meet someone in person can lead to more online conversation and therefore discovery of each other. I also understand that because lockdown has stifled the ability to meet up, it’s forced people to become creative and try harder, therefore making exchanges online even more appealing. 

[Read: Love In The Time of Coronavirus – Navigating The New Normal In Dating]

But what I am certain of, is: it’s really not as glamorous and sweet as the articles make out. The real experience for everyday people, like myself, is vastly different and the issue at hand is incredibly complex.

Recent data from dating app giant, Tinder, shows that new account subscriptions rose in 2020, a year in which the odds of forming a relationship seemed about as slim as Boris Johnson combing his hair. Of course we know that dating apps are the future. A collaborative study between eHarmony and London Imperial College indicated that by 2031, 1 in 2 relationships will have been formed online, and that figure will rise to 7 in 10 by 2040. 

These stats hint at staggering levels of success in the genesis of relationships, however a more realistic experience for many users is frustration and exasperation. Not receiving matches, or receiving low quality matches, can be the bane of a users experience on dating apps, and that was before the pandemic. Every user of a dating app, plus everyone who has signed up since, is now stuck in a rut – this new and ever-changing world of restrictions and lockdowns make the rules of dating so confusing. It’s no wonder people are disheartened by it all.

People are swiping every day and making matches, knowing they cannot meet in the traditional way or consummate any time soon. Consequently, they’re either seriously interested in finding someone and are willing to put in the effort whilst we’re locked down, or they’re bored and have nothing else better to do than scratch an itch. 

Illustration by María Alconada Brooks

The Toxicity of Tinder 

I’ve spoken many times about, what I call, ‘the toxicity of Tinder’ – it’s addictive to the point of being mind-numbing, when you’re not really doing it with intention. Sadly, if people are just scratching that itch, then it’s creating confusion and frustration for those actually looking for love. 

I’ll give you an example: I have matched with women on apps recently and had a great spark and chat, and then when I’ve asked them for a virtual date or a socially distanced walk, they’ve said no to both. Now with the socially distanced walk I can appreciate that people may be super cautious about catching COVID. However, on a virtual date? Sure, the awkwardness of speaking to someone for the first time is still there, but we spend our lives on Zoom and Teams nowadays – it’s hardly going to be an odd platform to start using. Especially if dating is something you do actually want to do. 

If we think about the usual dating app process, pre-pandemic, there was usually an expiry date – you can’t just message back and forth forever, you’ve got to make a transition or a step up to something like a date. In a pandemic, it’s no different – you can’t just message forever, you’ve got to do something different to show your interest in the other person and also see if things progress. Admittedly this is quite tricky and does require some flexibility and willingness to experiment, but if nothing else, isn’t that what relationships are ultimately about?

Since the first lockdown in March, I’ve been on one in-person date (which led to a very short-lived relationship and a bit of a disappointment to say the least) and I did manage two virtual dates. Whilst the people were lovely, it was quite clear they were very awkward and whilst I was presenting many opportunities for them to talk – with lots of questions that were binary and not too open – their responses were quite short and blunt, and it led to silences that I would have otherwise felt comfortable to fill. I do still think the virtual date platform can work quite well, if you find the right person to have one with.

[Read: I Stayed With My Cheating Boyfriend Because Of The Pandemic | Ask Eve]

Speed Dating

Another method I have tried recently is virtual speed dating. I loved speed dating ‘in real life’, and I quite jokingly compare it to mini-golf – you fill in your little score card with a tiny pencil and by the end of it, you might score a Birdie. I’ve tried two online speed dating events now and – generally – my feelings are mixed. The problem with virtual speed dating is that they’re advertised for cities (like London, Birmingham, Nottingham etc.) but then the organisers merge them together, so I was speaking with people who I’d consider being too far away (and they felt the same). There was also the familiar frustration of internet bandwidth creating – at times – a five second delay on our voices reaching each other, leading to moments of clashing voices, awkward pauses, and ultimately, wasting the time slot. Sadly, no real success on virtual speed dating, but it was amusing to experience the awkwardness of it all, particularly when the host puts you all in a breakout room at the end to chat as a group. Spoiler: awful. 

So 2020/21, so far, has not been terrific in terms of dating for me, especially with the tools and methods I had available. It has left me feeling a little glum.

I read a really interesting article about how the impact of the pandemic has given young people existentialism – the worry that the pandemic will stop them from achieving certain milestones by the age they wanted to. 

For me, I always envisioned that by the age of 30 I’d be married and have a child. In reality, I’ll be 27 and single in April, and the closest I’ve come to having a child is nursing a food baby on a Friday night. This existed before the pandemic for many people, and if anything I believe it’s been exacerbated as a result of it. 

For those of us who worry about the loss of time and the impact it has on our lives generally, imagine the anxiety caused by watching time erode away within lockdown. 

So far, we’ve spent a year inside, either perfecting new hobbies or finding new and creative words to yell at Joe Wicks as he cheerfully bounces around on our TV screens. Whilst some have learnt every skill in the book, some of us (ahem, me), are going to look back at our Triathlon of Netflix binges, baking bonanzas and masturbation marathons and feel pretty underwhelmed. 

So not only do we have the inconvenience of people using dating apps out of boredom, and not willing to commit to any COVID-proof style of dating, we also have existentialism anxiety playing a part. It’s not a great time for us singletons, is it? 

If I were to speculate, I imagine another strange anxiety that will present itself in the coming year when we meet potential suitors is ‘have they been vaccinated?’. For the majority, a COVID vaccination will be a deal-breaker, not just romantically but ethically. I can almost foresee awkward date encounters where one party reveals they don’t believe in COVID or vaccinations, and the other party slumping uncomfortably in their chair and channel their inner Nessa, stating: ‘for all I know, you could be riddled’. 

At the end of the day, we can only take each day as it comes and try to work with what we are given. When I began writing this post, there was no end to lockdown in sight. As I finish writing it, we in the UK have a roadmap out of lockdown with some level of assurance that come mid-Spring, bars and restaurants will be open and – in effect – dating will become possible once again. It may have been a rough ride for 12-14 months without the in-person dating, and some lucky miracle-makers may have actually found success via pandemic dating, but I think we can all begin to reassure ourselves that some normality will be returning shortly. 

Of course, we won’t be forgetting the pandemic in a hurry and I imagine the effects that it’s had on the nation’s mental health will present new challenges for dating – but there should be some solace to be found in the fact that we’re exploring this new normal together, as eager and enthusiastic singletons.  


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