Post written by Thomas Dockerill – The Nice Guy Writes
Being cheated on is one of the worst experiences to put someone through. Although it affects people in different ways, at its very worst it can cause deep rooted emotional trauma and create severe trust issues.
Which begs the question – can you have a happy relationship after being cheated on? Can you fully trust someone again, knowing that even the people who you think, ‘could never do that’, can indeed break your trust and heart?
There’s no secret formula for this. It’s a very individual process, but there are some common considerations and actions you can take which will help.Like any relationship ending, it takes a certain amount of time to fully ‘get over’ and ‘move on’ – this happens at different paces for different people, and has many dependant factors such as the length of the relationship and how it ended.
A year ago, I went through a horrific period where my partner of three years cheated on me. If I had to put a timestamp on it, I would say that it took four months to even begin to move on. A year later and I am in a position where I still occasionally reflect on how that relationship could have looked if it hadn’t have ended, but I no longer harbour any bitterness or negativity towards her. I recall being told at the time that it would not consume me, and I’d move on, and I – just like others – simply couldn’t believe I could move on.
I eventually did, but the journey is bloody hard. I think the key is to not focus on counting the weeks and days, as you’re tempted to do, but instead take a step at a time, and make plenty of plans.
Make plans to go visit friends, go explore new cities in the UK, plan to go travelling, start a reading list or a films you must watch list, even look in to new hobbies. I was quite fortunate (?) in some respects, because at the time of my relationship ending, I’d been offered a new job, so I had that as a distraction. I’d also had to find a house share to move in to because obviously we moved out when we broke up.
Here’s a list of some of the things I did to keep myself busy and distracted:
Visited friends
Purchased a cinema membership card and went once a fortnight
Explored London (a city I’d never explored before)
Planned an Interrailing trip
Binged a few Netflix series
Joined the gym and started working out
Socialising with new work colleagues and other young professionals in my city
Went to see live theatre, music and comedy
Baked!
This is important because not only do you have less time to dwell on your ex and what happened, but you’re having fun! You’re spending time with others and building relationships, but also investing time in yourself, which is so important when it comes to considering a new romantic relationship with someone. After being cheated on, your emotions are heightened and your guard is very high, making your behaviour quite erratic and irrational, so it’s important to work on making yourself a more relaxed and open-minded person before spending lots of time with a new love interest.
Dating someone new…
The odds are you’ll be subconsciously concerned about them cheating on you. If your last long-term partner did it, then this person can too, right?
Take the scenario: you just so happen to really like this new person, so you don’t want them to run off. So when they suddenly stop responding to your texts, your brain may jump to the ‘logical’ conclusion that they’re with another person, that something you said or did has pushed them away. The painful burden of overthinking becomes a resident in your brain after something as traumatising as being cheated on. Sadly, there’s no quick fix to this. Trust has been broken previously, but the important thing to tell yourself is: this person is not your ex.
A book I’ve found really useful in managing my warped mind is ‘The Chimp Paradox’ – which is all about managing the emotional and logical lobes of your brain, and preventing your emotional side from reacting irrationally before logic has chance to process situations. Once you understand this and practice it, you can definitely apply it to yourself and your own reactions in a new relationship.
If at any point you become concerned that they may be talking to someone else or not being entirely loyal to you – and don’t beat yourself up for assuming this, because it’s a perfectly normal defence mechanism to have after being cheated on – try to remain logical. This person is spending time with you because they’re attracted to you and most likely feel a connection with you.
They also have a life of their own, and friends you don’t know about. They could be messaging everyone, and don’t need to report back to you on this. Relationships are built on trust, and I accept that it can be difficult to rebuild your trust after it’s broken. However, like all good things, relationships are a risk. We must risk putting our heart on the line once again, when we’re ready, to truly relax and enjoy a relationship. It’s staring in to the unknown, but try remember how exciting this is, as opposed to the ‘possibility’ that it could spell disaster. If in doubt, write down your thought process on paper and try draw logical conclusions from it. Absolutely talk to a trusted friend, who will be very useful in rationalising you.
Friends are so important when it comes to moving on and starting a new relationship.
One thing I have learned in the last year is how thoughtful and invested my friends are in me. They’ve dropped plans for me, taken phone calls at stupid times in the night, travelled to see me, and been a constant devil’s advocate in order to keep my self-destructive thoughts at bay. If you’re feeling worried, down, or anxious about anything – whether it’s about your ex, or about a new person you’re seeing – speak to a trusted friend first before acting. They’ll give you the advice you need. It often helps to sound thoughts and feelings out with someone else, and prevents you from acting out and saying things that – later on – you’ll realise were ridiculous!
If you feel like it is too soon, and you’re still thinking about your last relationship, tell this new partner. I truly believe that your brain, being the complex organ it is, will always be triggered by certain feelings and experiences and reminisce to previous experiences, such as those with your ex – that’s unavoidable, so it’s okay to think of your ex in that capacity. However, if you’re with this new partner and things are moving forwards, but you’re constantly wondering what your ex would think, or what your ex is doing, then you’re not ready for a relationship. It’s as simple as that. Don’t put this new partner through that, and be honest with yourself. Once you’re ready for a new relationship, it should be so exciting that thoughts of your past only cross your mind as memories, and not active thoughts.
Tell your new partner that you were cheated on.
At some point they’ll have wondered what happened in your previous relationship, and you may even tell them. Don’t omit the important details, because if you remain slightly sensitive to certain triggers, your partner needs to be aware, so they can avoid stepping on them, or at least understand why you may act out at certain times. If they’re interested enough to be having this conversation, then I wouldn’t worry about them being scared off by you revealing your scars and healing wounds. The likelihood is they’ll want to help you because they’re falling for you and want a happy future with you.
The most important step, I believe, is the most difficult, and one I’ve struggled to comprehend. For others, it may be near impossible, or it may actually be the most logical thing you do: forgive your ex. After the cheating occurs, you have every right to be devastated and go through the grieving cycle. You can hate them, regret meeting them, cry when you think about it, but ultimately, they’re human, just like you. Once you’ve begun to move on, and time has passed, and you’re busy working on making YOUR life as exciting and fulfilling as it possibly can be, there’ll come a point where you think about your ex. You may hear about them through mutual friends or see them pop up on Facebook. They might be with someone new, or have had a job promotion etc. Try this: be happy for them. This is someone that – despite the hurt they eventually caused you – gave you a great deal of happiness for however many years. They made you feel loved, they’ll have taught you so much about love and life, and they’ll always be a part of you, whether you can see it or not. Yes, what they did was wrong and caused you great upset, but you loved each other once and wanted the very best for them – for them to be happy. This shouldn’t change. So – forgive, but don’t forget.
To reiterate what I said at the beginning, there’s no secret formula for moving on from cheating and having happy, trusting relationships again.
The best thing to do, I and many others have found, is to keep busy, focus on yourself, spend time with friends and try brain exercises to rationalise your mind and emotions. Also to remember that any new relationship is a step in to the unknown, a risk. If Lois Lane didn’t take Superman’s hand, she would have never experienced the thrill of flying.
I’ll leave you with a song written by Justin Furstenfeld of the American band, Blue October, whose lyrics are always very impactful. Furstenfeld, after experiencing a nasty divorce and harbouring bitterness, has since moved on, re-married and re-evaluated his feelings and approach to the situation. He wrote ‘I Hope You’re Happy’ as an act of maturity and to tell those who used to have his heart that he genuinely wishes them happiness despite their relationship being over. It’s such an emotional song, made more so by the fact that you realise when singing it, that you’ve matured and taken the high road, and you’re a better person for it.
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