This post was written by an anonymous contributor.
I came out as a lesbian in 2010, at 15 years old.
After couple of years of hiding who I was from everyone I knew, I had the gut feeling that being authentic with the people in my life was something I really believed in.
Now, almost 10 years later, I am 3 years into a relationship with a man, having decided to also date men in my adult life. There have been a couple of quite confusing twists over these years, but I wouldn’t change them at all. Here are some of the lessons being confused about my sexuality in my teens has taught me:
1. Nothing stays the same and that’s ok.
Friendship circles, mental health, taste in music, relationships, jobs, sexuality. Once I had accepted that these things aren’t hard facts used to define who I am and what circles I could mingle in, I slowly became happy with the fact that things don’t stay the same for the full 80 (ish) years we live in the world. I might never date a woman again, I might marry one. Whatever happens is ok. Taking away expectations and rules about who you are helps you to feel at peace with who that is or may become.
2. You can’t please everyone.
Whether that’s people who can’t accept you being not straight, who treat you differently because of who you are (even if they don’t think they do), or who can’t deal with you not knowing what you want. You can’t please everyone. You don’t have to be friends with everyone and, similarly, your disagreements with people don’t signal the end of a relationship with them. Learning I couldn’t please everyone was a hard lesson to learn, but an important one that has taught me to be confident in my choices and accept the realities of many situations in my life.
3. You can be a part of the LGBTQ+ community without being the loudest, queerest voice.
I raise my glass to ALL people who advocate LGBTQ+ rights, and have great relationships with many queer and trans people (or, as I like to call them, ‘people’). I will always support people in minority groups, including those in the LGBTQ+ community. However, I don’t feel I identify with a large amount of the tropes in the media that are used to depict LGBTQ+ people. I don’t follow many trends in fashion or music, I am a quiet, introverted person who doesn’t like to talk about their personal life or gossip, and I like to express myself in a pretty feminine way. What I’m saying is: be who you are. Unashamedly, but be YOU- and not who people try and tell you you are.
4. You really can’t judge people by anything, ever. I have straight friends who I know people think may be gay.
I have friends that like tea rooms who listen to metal music. I have friends that like playing rugby and writing poetry. The one side of a person you see, whether that be their sexuality, their favourite sport, or their role as a parent or carer, is just that, it’s one of their many ‘sides’. People aren’t one thing or another, and often the more things a person is, the richer and more interesting their personality is. Unfortunately, and particularly in the trans community, a large portion of society refuses to see past their differing gender identity. Once we look at people for who they really are- their interests, contributions to communities, past experiences and their ever developing personalities, we humanise and understand them better. Thinking I was gay for a long time and being an active member of the LGBTQ+ community taught me to really build relationships with people and get to know them regardless of the silly labels society plasters over individuals to blind and distance us from anything outside of ‘normal’.
5. You don’t have to do anything (define, conform).
I really do appreciate that there’s a privilege to me saying this. I am a ‘straight-looking’, English-speaking, white person. I get off easy here. The message I am passing on here is that, when you let go of the demands society puts on you for a definition or label, you let go of the idea that you have to know what the hell is going on with yourself. You don’t. Nobody really does. You don’t have to tell anyone about your sexuality, and you don’t have to conform to any societal norms whatever they might be. There are a lot more pressing things to deal with in your life than changing yourself to be as ‘stereotypically’ anything as you can to desperatly fit into a box. You could put those efforts into organising a group in your community of people who share a common interest, getting the job you really want, or building and maintaining relationships with those close to you. You don’t have to do anything anyone tells you to do or implies you should be doing. Thank these people for their ‘contributions’ to the conversation of your life, and move on.
I feel I have repeated this but again, just be yourself. Do exactly what you want to do, and present whatever face you want to to the world. If that face is different tomorrow- good on you.
Be whoever you want to be.
