Post written by Thomas Dockerill – The Nice Guy Writes
Throughout my adolescent years – as I stumbled through GCSEs and A-Levels, avoided spit balls and searched endlessly for the ultra-rare TARDIS Doctor Who card – I was obsessed with the notion of love and romance. Yes me, the boy who was often likened to Harry Potter and Ben Mitchell from Eastenders (pre-2011). I felt the desire to be loved, to express love, to go on whimsical dates and be creative with it. To this day, I still believe love is the best gift you can give and receive in life: but I am beginning to acknowledge, for the first time, that it might not always be necessary.
Looking back, I’m not surprised that I was fixated on love. I grew up around marriages and couples, the songs I listened to were mainly about love (except Do the Bartman – awesome!), and the films/stories I binged either centered around love or featured two characters eventually uniting. As can probably be expected, not every story featured a break-up. We never saw the sequel to Cinderella where she moaned at Prince Charming for not taking the bins out or leaving his nose hair clippings in the bathroom sink, ultimately ending in him cheating on her with the Fairy Godmother in a weird twist of fate – an idea I’ve pitched to Disney, but I’ve yet to hear back from them…
I digress!
Love! I wanted it so badly, or so I thought. Maybe it was the idea and excitement of sex, or having someone to accompany me to midnight release screenings, or putting up with my guilty pleasures. I’m 25 years old: I’ve been in a long-term relationship, I’ve experienced long-distance, I’ve experienced heartbreak, I’ve suffered crushing defeat and pined after people so long that I’ve lost a bit of perspective. The concerning part is that, until recently, I’ve been listing these incidents as perverse accolades that aggregate in to a certain record of experience, or maturity. They’ve also given me something to moan about and feed my inner Morrissey ballad.
[Read: How To Treat A Girl Right | The Nice Guy Writes]
So what have I done about? Well, 2018 was an unusual year for me in terms of friendships, relationships, jobs and dating. I think I went on more dates in that year then I ever did in my long-term relationship. Although it was fun, and I met some genuinely lovely people, I sadly realised that I was becoming a bit autonomous; a bit of a dating robot. I was swiping away on dating apps as if I was on autopilot (something else I could write for hours about), and I felt it becoming a bit of an addiction. Although I may have denied this whilst I did it, it was certainly desperation. I’ve since learned that this isn’t uncommon: a lot of people, I’ve found, remain in unhappy relationships and can’t explain why they don’t take any action. I don’t think there’s a universal answer to this, but for me it’s simply because I’m unhappy within myself as a person.
[Read: The Brutal Truth Why We Stay In Unhappy Relationships]I’ve heard on numerous occasions people say that you can’t have a happy relationship until you’re first happy with yourself. Well I used to think that was just something long-term singletons said out of bitterness, but it transpires that there is a lot of truth to it. Whilst I am unhappy and struggling with mental health, I cannot give dating or a relationship the energy and effort that it requires. Maybe there are some readers here who are superhuman and can juggle everything! If that is you, I applaud you. But I’m going to proudly raise my hand and confess that I can’t do it.
I need to focus on making myself a happier person before I can seriously invest in someone else. Ultimately it’s not fair on the other person if you’re moping about the place, particularly if they’re fortunate enough to actually be content. It’s also not fair on yourself, because you’re just concealing the issue and delaying the inevitable! But what I’m finding is that it’s not as scary as I thought…
[Read: Moving On From Being Cheated On: The Next Steps | The Nice Guy Writes]
It’s weird and a tiny bit frightening and I change my mind several times a day on whether I’m doing the right thing – but I am. I’m putting myself first. I’ve not just uninstalled all of those dating apps, as I used to do, I’ve actually deleted the accounts – because we all know how much of a pain in the arse it is to write a witty profile and choose photos that hide your slight addiction to pizza and avoiding the gym! Instead of investing time in dating, I’m spending more time with my friends; I’m making more time for family; I’m trying to work on picking and developing hobbies; I’m deciding what I want to see in my future, what I don’t want to see, and how I’m going to achieve everything.
It’s really hard, and I’ve no idea how to measure success in this case. The most salient point is that I’m trying to make myself better, healthier, happier. I would, of course, love to meet someone incredible and fall in love, in time. But right now, for me, it’s not time.
It’s not the right time to find love in another; it’s time to find love in myself. It’s not the right time to make love to another, it’s time to make love to myself… eat more pizza? Give to charity, learn a new skill, travel more, treat my Mum to the best Italian meal in town, and work on finding happiness.
If along the way, I inspire one other person to do this for themselves, then that’s amazing. If anyone reading this now is doing something similar, or perhaps thinking they should, don’t allow yourself to be judged by others who don’t understand what you’re doing. You’re not doing it for them: you’re doing it for you.
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