Both Of Us Have Cheated, Is It Worth Continuing The Relationship?

Hi Eve,

I cheated on my boyfriend of four years and we are trying to reconcile.

I then found out that earlier on in the relationship he “cheated” on me whilst attending happy ending massages. He really is a good person and has so many great qualities – at the end of the day we’re all human beings. But the thing is I’m not so sure we should be trying so hard to make this relationship work if both of us have cheated. Are we kidding ourselves?

Also, we said we’d move in together and that it applying a lot of pressure on me and wanting to make a decision about us. I don’t want to hurt him anymore – he is a good person who deserves so much love.

Cheat & Cheated x

Hi Cheat & Cheated,

Thanks for being so open and honest with your story. It’s a really difficult situation and one which can have multiple outcomes.

Everyone has a different opinion on cheating – some say once a cheat, always a cheat, some people are more forgiving. Some people cheat once and feel so horrendous that they swear never to do it again. Depending on both the reasons behind the infedility and how many times it’s happened, however, it is possible move on from cheating and move into a better relationship. If that’s what you want.

Taking away the moving in together aspect, do you want to be with him still? Think about it. I know it’s the safe option, but what led you to cheat? Was it a stupid drunken mistake or a full blown calculated affair? This will determine whether your feelings for him are in the right place. Do you, in your gut, think you want to be with him in the long run?

It sounds like both of you have failed in respecting each other. You both have gone behind one another’s backs and done something hurtful you know you shouldn’t have done. It’s not great if there isn’t the fundamental respect there in the first place, however if you and your partner have genuinely realised the error of your ways, then you maybe able to grow and learn to be a better people.

Perhaps it would be best to get to the root of the issue. Cheating is a symptom that something is wrong in the relationship. Happy people don’t cheat. Was your partner receiving happy ending massages because he was sexually frustrated within the relationship? Or does he have underlying issues of a sexual nature? Did you cheat because you felt you needed emotional support on some level which you weren’t getting? Did you both communicate your frustrations as and when you felt them, or did you bottle them up?

Learning the psychological reasons behind cheating can really help you move forward within the relationship and learn from the mistakes made. If you care about one another and both know what you’ve done is wrong and your love for each other overrides the stupidity, then I’d try and see if you can make it work.

Don’t move in together – you need time to figure this out separately before committing to a joint house. If he feels so strongly about it, ask him why? Is it because he needs to learn to trust you again? Talk about the pressures you feel and communicate your worries effectively.

Your gut is nearly never wrong. Go with it. It’s really difficult to go your separate ways, but if you feel that’s the only option then you know what to do.

Be brave! And let me know what happens and if you need any further help, you know where I am.