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What was the reason your last relationship ended?
Cheating is commonly cited as the main reason for a relationship breakdown. Different interests, loss of love, situation and unreasonable behaviour are others. You get the picture.
Sometimes the underlying issue amongst all these reasons links to one thing. Sometimes it’s all down to the fact that it has been simply impossible to effectively communicate with your partner. Hear me out with this one…
We’ve all heard it – communication is key, right? Whether we’ve read in gossip magazines or online articles – the same thing keeps cropping up: communication is fundamental to the success and longevity of a relationship.
And really, it genuinely is.
We’ve all been there: when you’re bordering on an argument because your partner just doesn’t “get” what you’re saying. You mean something else. They’re not getting it. They lose their rag and both of you end up more frustrated.
But what does “effective communication” even look like? What does it mean?
Communication this, that, the other, blah blah blah. We obviously talk to each other whilst in a relationship, so what makes it “effective”, or not?
Breaking it down, we talk about these main things:
- Our daily routine, the tasks we complete
- Our jobs
- Our achievements
- Events we’re going to
- Our life goals and aims for the future
- People in our lives
- Gossip we’ve heard
- Our frustrations (to do with all the above)
When we don’t effectively communicate, it means our needs aren’t met with regards to actions or conversations, with all the above.
There are 5 errors which most of us have ended up being guilty of when communicating, these are:
Communication error #1: Bottling things up
Everyone is totally guilty of this. We’ve all bottled little things up which have annoyed us, and I’m sure we can all relate to some of the below:
- They’re not pulling their weight in the relationship / with housework
- They haven’t done what they said they would
- They’ve done something which has upset us
- Your feelings are starting to change
- They’ve not asked about your day
- They’ve forgotten something important to you
- They’ve forgotten to tell you they’re going away for a while
But we try and ignore it. We bottle it up and don’t say anything. We carry on because if we bring then up, then it’ll start something for no reason – they’re not big enough things to bring up individually. Is what we think.
What happens when we bottle up the little things: we resent our partner.
We build up a case file in our heads of bad things they’ve done: adding to the file every time something little happens. Eventually, when the file is too packed, we explode. Usually over something small like they forgotten to put sugar in your tea. AKA totally not worth a full on explosion.
Been there? I certainly have.
To avoid this, simply bring up your issues as and when they come up, but confront the issue in a calm way and try not to use any of the following errors in your language…
Communication error #2: The accusatory “You”
What I call, “You” language is the blaming or accusatory tone: statements which are filled with judgey negativity, or boss another person around.
Some examples of what I mean include:
- “You are not good enough…”
- “You should pay attention…”
- “You need to do this now…”
- “You have to understand my position…”
- “You better get it right…”
I, for one, hate being told what to do – it really gets my back up.
So when we use “you” language plus a directive, it’s likely to bring up feelings of feelings of resentment and defensiveness in your partner. This type of communication is also likely to receive a “no” response, which, chances are, will make the conversation 100 times worse.
There are effective ways of getting your point across clearly and successfully without using “you” language and directives.
Communication error #3: Universal Statements
Universal statements are statements that generalise your partner’s entire character or behaviour in a negative way. Universal statements are often used in combination with “you” language.
Some examples of what I mean include:
- “You always leave the toilet seat up.”
- “You never put the tooth paste cap back on.”
- “You’re messing up again!”
- “You are so lazy!”
- “You forget to do this every time!”
- “You’re such a slob!”
- “Everyone knows that you’re bad.”
Universal statements are problematic. They can make your partner feel really bad like they only are capable of being wrong. Universal statements can also easily be disputed. If I say to you, “you never wash the dishes,” all you need to do is to come up with one exception, “that’s not true, I washed the dishes the other week,” and you have successfully been contradicted.
Communication error #4: Getting personal and ignoring the issue
In every communication situation involving another person, there are two elements present: the person you are relating to, and the issue or behaviour you are addressing. Ineffective communicators literally “get personal” by being tough on the person, while minimising or ignoring the issue or the behaviour.
Some examples of what I mean include:
- Ineffective communication: “You are so stupid!”
- Effective communication: “You’re a smart person, but what you did this morning was not very smart.”
- Ineffective communication: “You never clean up. You’re a slob!”
- Effective communication: “I noticed that you didn’t wash the dishes this week.”
Getting personal and ignoring the issue can end up receiving a negative reaction. Your partner is likely to take what you’re saying more personally, and as a result feel angry, resentful, hurt or resistant. This error also involves the frequent use of “you” and universal statements.
Communication error #5: Invalidate Feelings
Invalidation of feelings occurs when we recognise emotions, positive or negative, coming out of a person, and either discount, belittle, minimise, ignore or negatively judge these feelings. It’s the lack of acknowledgement of our feelings altogether.
Some examples of what I mean include:
- “I don’t care”
- “Okay, just shut up already”
- “Your complaints are totally unfounded.”
- “You’re blowing things way out of proportion.”
- “You’re overreacting”
- “So what? I never have that issue”
When we invalidate another person’s feelings, we are likely to cause instant resentment. Our partner whose feelings we just invalidated is likely to feel hurt and angry. In some cases, a person whose feelings have been invalidated might shut down from you emotionally, so that her/his feelings will not be hurt again. Invalidation of feelings is one of the most destructive things one can do in close, personal relationships.
As I previously mentioned, healthy communication really is key to a long and happy relationship.
Now you are aware of the main errors in communication, hopefully you and your partner can learn to make things known, talk openly and honestly and overall work together to making each other much happier by effectively communicating.
Happy communicating folks!
