Hello Eve,
I have recently gone through a bad break up and your break up posts are truly the way I feel right now… It was a long distance relationship for 4 years, but he broke up with me because I went too far with my anger and jealousy about some girls he was spending time with whilst doing sport in his local town.
I feel like it’s only my fault that he’s stopped fighting for me. He said he doesn’t trust in a future with me and that this type of relationship doesn’t suit him.
He keep texting me and saying “I Love you, but I’m happier away from you because the conditions were bad”, telling me I had to work on myself because it’s not normal to have a crisis of anger and jealousy like that. But he never questioned himself, or his actions, when I said to him that something was hurting me because he was spending time with girls I don’t really know.
He always said “stop saying that because I don’t do anything, you are crazy thinking always the worst” So how do I going forward, and not regret thinking it’s my fault he dumped me, because I went too far?
I was regularly telling him that I was not happy (but maybe I was just lacking maturity and not seeing that I have everything with him to be happy?) especially when he was happy most of the time with me..
Thanks a lot Eve, I will read over and over your blog.
From, Heartbroken in France
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Hi Heartbroken in France,
Thank you for writing to me and opening up so honestly about the circumstances behind your relationship ending.
Before I go onto the main piece of writing for you, I want to ask you to think, based on your last point: Were you happy? And why didn’t you feel happy?
I ask this, because often even when we think we have everything which should make us happy, it doesn’t always mean we are. What did you feel was lacking which made you doubt yourself?
I can only go on based on the information you’ve told me, but I suspect you were feeling unhappy and telling him so, because you felt like the relationship was lacking something and your needs weren’t being met. You say he was happy, which would indicate his needs were being met, but yours weren’t. I don’t think it’s either of your fault entirely that you broke up, but certainly a combination of factors.
Firstly, great couples know what makes their partner tick, what makes them feel loved, in a way they appreciate the most. This is speaking to your partner in their “love language”. There are five languages, and most people have one primary language, and one secondary, which if received, make us feel that tinkling sparkly happy feeling of being loved. I maybe wrong, but I have a feeling you probably were meeting his emotional needs via his love language, but he wasn’t meeting your own, and you felt hurt and unloved and in turn, angry, that he didn’t understand you or make you feel loved in the “right” way for you. This may have been why you were constantly questioning if you were happy: you were always longing to feel loved in a way you understand.
I can’t say for certain, and it depends on if he’s been reassuring you in the past, but for him to be dismissive of your feelings and saying you’re “crazy” isn’t a great response from him. It makes you feel invalidated and hurt that he doesn’t care how you feel. It sounds like the communication between you wasn’t clear enough on both parts, and communication is key when you’re in a long distance relationship.
[Read: 10 Ways To Survive A Long Distance Relationship]Secondly, to understand your anger and jealousy psychologically, we have to look at the emotions driving it, and how our feelings can be masked. Anger is a surface feeling, it comes to light as the result of a situation which has made us feel a deep emotional response, usually insecurity or hurt. This would make sense as you felt worried he would cheat on you when seeing women when he played sports.
Unfortunately, this kind of insecurity is responsible for the large majority of problems in relationships.
Insecurity is the feeling inside of uncertainty or anxiety about oneself; lack of confidence and feeling inadequate. Believe me, we’ve all felt it at one time or another. But while it’s pretty normal to have moments of doubting yourself occasionally, continual insecurity can hinder our success in life and can be especially detrimental to our close relationships. Trust issues, jealousy, and clingyness are all signs of insecurity.
[Read: Insecurity: One Of The Biggest Relationship Killers]One main thing to remember before I go on, is that you’re not a bad person for being insecure in this scenario. You are brilliant, it just sounds like you need a little more faith in yourself and your relationships. If you believe you’re enough, then you won’t worry that he will stray. You would also then feel, that if he ever did cheat on you, you’d be strong enough to walk away head held high. We’ve all had to learn the hard way about insecurities, and learning to love ourselves, so if you’re adamant to make a change, it’s a great first step.
When we talk about insecurity, and how to move away from it, we need to remember that neediness is a fear of loss: When you believe that you could lose something (in your case, when your boyfriend played sports with other women), you’ll instinctively want to regain it – and neediness is a part of that, you end up worrying, and ultimately don’t act like your normal self. When you don’t act like yourself, you can end up pushing your partner away by your changed behaviour.
When you said you’ve got angry, would you say it was used to cover up your other feelings? This maybe largely because of cultural norms, people thinking they are “weak” if they feel or are seen to be vulnerable. These underlying emotions can include:
I feel lonely, I feel hurt, I feel scared, I feel unappreciated, I feel betrayed
You should allow yourself to feel your healthy anger and not suppress it, as suppressing anger can cause more harm than good, however the issue in this case is, anger is perceived to be a personal attack, so instead of showing that you’re hurt or feel unappreciated or scared, you end up again pushing away your partner even more, and leaving them confused and equally as irritated. Unfortunately, this is seems to be what’s happened in your relationship.
[Read: The #1 Underlying Reason Why Couples Fight (And How To Change It)]Unfortunately, usually all we want is the other person to instinctively know how we feel underneath. We want our partners to know that we feel lonely, or hurt, or scared, or unappreciated. But anger doesn’t convey those raw feelings.
It’s all about being a little more self-aware – so even though this is a really tough time, it’s great that you have identified that it was your jealousy and anger which drove your partner away.
I would say, going forward in your new relationships, even though it may seem like you’re being vulnerable, if you actually explain your underlying feelings – rather than shout or attack because you’re frustrated – you’re more likely to come to a better resolution.
So calmly explaining to him that it makes you uncomfortable that he’s spending so much time with other girls, but that you understand that it stems from your own insecurities, and that it would just help you to have some re-affirmation of their love for you. People who love us do want to make us feel good, so hopefully they’ll reassure you.
Just make sure to know your worth and realise that you deserve to feel enough. Learning that can be really hard, however it’s often one of the greatest life lessons we ever learn. When you know your worth, then nothing can stop you from having the best relationships and life experience.
I hope that helps, sending lots of love to you and I hope you feel better in time about everything. Breakups are really tough, so try not to be so hard on yourself!
