Relationships, Anxiety, Long-Covid, Grief and a New Normal: Goodbye 2020

2020 has been possibly the most disruptive, anxiety-inducing and confusing year for pretty much all of us. Collectively as a planet, we’ve had to face the most intrusively affecting issue of our lifetime: a world-wide pandemic. But I don’t need to remind you of that!! We’ve been living it! 

I don’t know about you, but I feel almost daily like I’m living in one of those disaster movies: ironically like many which I’ve managed for my job as a film product manager and marketer (see below).

The levels of “surreal” have been like a rollercoaster, there have been days where I’ve literally been on zombie mode: get up, sit at desk, work, cook, clean, tiktok, sleep. Others, I feel motivated and excited to get out. Strangely however, my routine hasn’t actually changed as much as others. Pre-pandemic, I worked from home mostly for my job at my Independent Film Distributor, I got to travel the world three times a year and would commute into London for meetings and working with colleagues. I absolutely loved the flexibility, experiences and the ability to see friends whenever worked. 

Life has been a whirlwind this year, stress perpetuated by the news, the ill-handling of the pandemic, local lockdowns and the toilet roll crisis of the early pandemic – remember that?! Seems like ages ago. 

The pandemic has also pushed for greater awareness of systemic social issues and injustices. As we’re all locked up at home, glued to our phones, Netflix and news channels, we’ve been privy, and more importantly have had time to engage with, the growing outrage against injustice. We’ve clapped for key workers, whilst watching our government vote against a nurse pay rise. We’ve witnessed, participated and continue to support the Black Lives Matter movement. We’ve had more time to open our eyes to growing facism, ongoing racism, social and economic injustices. We’ve seen billionaires become trillionaires, refugees becoming restigmatised and ultimately our political system become even more polarised. Most recently, watching the shit-show which is Brexit play out.

I mean… bloody Norah. Tiger King / Zoom quiz lockdown seems like years ago. Normal life without masks, hand sanitiser and social distancing seems like a dream. Watching TV and seeing groups of people together filmed pre-covid is anxiety inducing. No wonder we’ve gone a bit bananas (and unfortunately, I’m a bit sick of banana bread). 

We’ve all got our own personal relationships with Covid, whether it be we’re not that fussed, or have discovered crippling worry within ourselves about setting foot outside. It’s intrinsically linked with our health, our relationship with death and deepest fears. So I thought I’d chat a bit about my own honest journey the last seven months, and hopefully if nothing else you may be able to relate, or bring you some comfort that you’re not alone in how your feeling. 

COVID-19 

Like many, Matt and I were due go on the holiday of a lifetime to Vietnam, sadly the same week we went into National Lockdown in March. Fortunately it didn’t come as too much of a surprise, as Vietnam was one of the first countries to shut their borders early on – so we would spend the next few months trying to get money for anything we could: flights, hotels and anything the insurance could do for us. At the beginning no one really knew what was eligible and what wasn’t, so it was a wait. Not that that was a priority, as very shortly after, my family and I started developing Covid symptoms. 

We’ve all seen the symptoms: a cough, fever and breathing problems. Well that’s basically how it went for me. At the end of March, I developed a fever which lasted a couple of days, I wasn’t too ill other than that at this point but I did think “oh dear what if this is covid”. I have health anxiety so it was a really challenging time. I was more tired than normal but it was only the third day when I started coughing and feeling a bit tight chested. Fast forward three days later and I was in bed, with chills, muscle aches, stomach ache, coughing and the worst: finding it really challenging to breathe. I also had this weird vibrating in my head – like so slight that it was only just noticeably but prominent enough to be really annoying. 

I was knackered, my dad and sister (who don’t live with me) had the same issues and my mum was really dizzy and fatigued. I kept ringing and checking in but it was frankly, scary, hearing of their struggles to breathe and wondering if one of us would have to go to hospital. It did come close, but because it was the height of hospital admissions, we tried to see it out: going in alone was a scary prospect. 

I was part of the ZOE Covid Symptom Study early on, which I logged everyday on their app. I was trying to research anything early which was saying it could help. I saw ibroprophen was causing some issues so was dosing up on paracetamol, lemsip, vitamin D and C and lots of water. 

Climbing the stairs, or even walking a few steps was a really struggle – not just cause of weakness but because I couldn’t get my breath. I reacted to a few metres walking like I’d just completed a 5k run. Talking on the phone took ages cause even talking took a lot of breathing. It was a really strange feeling, so in the end I just resigned to bed, lying on my front in the “prone position” which I learnt was working well for people with breathing issues who were admitted to hospital. Luckily Matt was home and isolating with me so looked after me as much as he could. He didn’t get ill fortunately, but had come back from Spain a few weeks before and felt really fatigued and run down (so maybe had it then?). 

Another option was circling the internet – a Doctor was recommending a breathing technique which was designed to cough up anything in the depths of the lungs and improve breathing. This was hard as there was little actually in my lungs so could taste blood, but it did seem to help with breathing capacity. Barely anyone I know was going through the same thing, so there was a select few of kind people on Instagram recommending remedies and suggestions to each other. 

My anxiety increased as my sister and dad worsened, and at one point I was so fatigued and emotional I remember just bursting into tears down the phone to my mum cause I was so scared for my sister, as NHS 111 online told her to rush to A&E as she couldn’t breathe. I think covid has really cracked open our worst fears with regards to our own family’s health. 

When the Dominic Cummings Barnard Castle Eye Test car-crash of a scandal came to light, I was furious. My family were suffering, I kept hearing of people dying and losing loved ones, brave key workers ploughing on in the face of danger and the man who wrote the stay home rules, just didn’t want to stay home.  I called bullshit on his tactically heart-rendering excuse that he needed childcare and/or to test his eyesight. I was more irritated by those who hadn’t been affected by the virus directly yet, who believed him. Or worse, those who had been affected and still trusted his word and tried to convince me that it IS the right thing to drive thirty minutes to test your eyesight. It was farcical, and by this point I was knackered and fed up of still being affected with breathing problems nearly two months from when they started. I hadn’t seen my family and I wrote a letter to my local MP about it. 

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It took nearly six months in the end to properly recover. I couldn’t light candles, or walk too far, or use perfume or breathe in pollen filled air without feeling the pressurising weight of asthma. I feel incredibly lucky to not have had it nearly as bad as some, and I can’t imagine the pain of the families of those who’ve lost loved ones. Covid has left me with anxieties about getting it again, and I’m much more wary about other family members who haven’t had it. 

Read: 10 Things You Can Do To Stay Positive and Keep Anxiety At Bay During Coronavirus

Sleep problems, anxiety and weight gain post-covid

I was debating whether to reveal the anxieties and post-Covid issues I’ve faced, but I know that nationwide, there have been many anxiety related issues emerging, so I wanted to be as candid as possible so people know you’re definitely not alone in it. 

For me, I started having insomnia and night terrors, which as you can imagine just perpetuated the insomnia. If you’re a regular reader of my blog you’ll know I’ve suffered with panic attacks and anxiety through the years, so have learnt to deal with them mostly in a way which works for me. So the racing heart, dizzyness, heart pains and overthinking wasn’t new for me, and actually didn’t bother me as much. 

One thing I’ve never had a problem with was sleep. I love sleep, anyone who knows me knows I love to have a lie in. But frustratingly I found sleeping really hard with Covid as breathing was so difficult. Eventually I made it work using Calm App, listening to their sleep stories and finally drifting off into a deep slumber, but waking up early at 4 or 5am tight chested. 

However post-Covid, despite not feeling overtly or consciously anxious, I started getting night terrors. I’d be in between awake and asleep and see shadows move, or I’d wake up screaming or grab Matt and say “there’s someone in here”. The poor boy has had so many shocking wake ups, he’s used to it now, and knows there is in fact no one in the room. 

I had to shut the bedroom door, all the cupboard doors and make sure the curtains don’t let any light in – in case I “saw” shadows moving and freak out. It was really frustrating, especially because as soon as I properly woke up, I knew it’s nothing. It was definitely anxiety related and I know lots of people who have also been having these issues, caused by the underlying anxieties of Covid. It’s actually now completely better and recently haven’t had any issues with sleep, and I actually put this down to “doing more”: walking, doing different things, being back at college. I’m so tired I just fall asleep better.

Post Covid I’ve also gained weight. I think many people probably have this year, and frankly it’s to be expected and I don’t think we need to be too hard on ourselves because of it. For me, I couldn’t exercise because I’d just have asthma issues, but I tried to get out walking as much as possible. Despite this, cooking has been a comfort to me and invariably have been eating more than I’m using energy wise. This is totally normal and although I’d love to have been one of the fantastic people utilising the time to do at-home workouts or couch to 5k, I simply haven’t been able to.

Instead of beating myself up about it, or becoming obsessed with my daily food intake (which rewind a few years, I would have been), I’ve taken it in my stride to eat cleaner, healthier foods, try and exercise where I can and slowly build strength. Before I deleted TikTok (more on that below), I really enjoyed watching Flo – if you know you know – and her daily videos on her healthy weight loss journey. But regardless of you weight, remember we have so much to think about currently, so try not to beat yourself up about any weight fluctuation.

Grief

On September 14th 2020, we said goodbye to my lovely Grandad, Trevor Keith Greenow. Born May 21st 1929 in Abertillery Wales, he was a 91 cheeky chappy, and the legend even has Greenow House at Reading University named after him. My Nanny and Grandad were married for 65 years.

Grandad had a career in the Royal Navy as a Chief Petty Officer, where he served on many warships including H.M.S Ark Royal. In 1955 he married my lovely Nanny, Patricia Anne Slaymaker in St Ann’s Church in Radipole, Weymouth, and soon after in 1957 they celebrated the birth of my Uncle Alan, and in 1959, my dad would also join the family unit.

In 1976 Grandad became Head Porter at Windsor Hall at Reading University and remained in that position for 18 years, then in 1992 he became the University Macebearer at ceremonial occasions, a position he held for over 11 years. 

In 2001 Grandad proudly “opened” Greenow House at Reading University, a halls of residence for post-graduates named in his honour. It’s a really lovely legacy to remember him by and it makes me happy that so many people know the name.

I’ll always remember Grandad for his quirks and ways: how he’d say “Dah’lin” and “toothbrush” the Welsh way like “tuth-brush”. How he’d always encourage me and my sister to a “little bit of gateaux”. How he’d “sneak” a tenner in our hands like a drug deal whenever we came over, and would whisper “don’t forget to thank your Nanny”. He really loved Shaun the Sheep. And he’d always end his phonecalls “love you lots and lots and lots”. It’s funny the strange little things you remember people by, but it’s these little things which made them who they were to you.

It’s true, everyone grieves in different ways. For me, it comes in waves – even just reading this I end up in tears. The world really isn’t the same without him. It’s still feels really raw and Covid has been cruel in making it harder to say goodbye properly. But he won’t be forgotten, that’s for sure.

My heart goes out to everyone grieving a loss this year.

Deleting the apps on my phone

As I mentioned earlier, by mid-pandemic, I was hugely addicted to TikTok and Twitter. I was on my phone for a ridiculous amount of time and it ate into my sleep, and all my spare time. In fact, I found myself getting more angry and anxious by being on Twitter.

So I decided to delete all the time-wasting apps on my phone. For ages I only had Facebook Messenger and WhatsApp (so I could actually talk to people), but after a while I added Instagram back too. I found I really didn’t miss Facebook, Snapchat, Twitter or even TikTok. If they weren’t there: I didn’t use them.

I started finding I was sleeping better, and didn’t have any eye twitching (uh-oh!) so I decided that was to be the way. 5 months on, I still don’t have them installed on my phone. I use them on my desktop computer, but that’s it – and to be honest if I didn’t have Never Settle or was the social media manager for work, I would probably have permanently deleted Facebook ages ago.

I downloaded Duolingo and started re-learning French, which was fun! And Calm App was and still is my saviour and I really recommend it for anyone with even a twinge of anxiety or sleep struggles.

A New normal

I’ve been so lucky, and I genuinely think the pandemic has been really beneficial for my relationship, we really are stronger than ever and really appreciate each other.

Generally I’ve been doing more things I enjoy: painting, writing, sewing (face masks), cooking and filming.

I think I’ve missed seeing friends and family most during this pandemic. I guess many of us will have missed the social interactions (if we’re being careful) and even simple things like hugging the closest in our lives. 

I’m really sad being in a tier 4 county that I won’t be able to spend the duration of Christmas with family this year, and it has upset me. It’s sunk in a bit now, and I understanding the reasoning, but our feelings are still valid and entirely understandable and natural! So don’t let anyone tell you otherwise if you’re going through the same thing.

One thing though, I am so unbelievably proud of my friends and sister this year. Honestly, they have achieved some amazing things this year despite all the disruption and chaos, and I’m so proud. Here are just a few things my incredible friends and sis have achieved this year: 

• Bravely embracing their roles as key workers 
• Being promoted or finding new jobs
• Becoming engaged or married to the loves of their lives
• Achieving a first honours degree and qualifying as a midwife
• Being awarded a Commendation from their Police Chief Constable for outstanding hard work
• Been nominated for a prestigious industry award
• Completing the couch to 5k
• Finishing and passing exams with flying colours
• Starting their own online businesses 
• Becoming a dog-mumma!
• Completing vital charity work
• Said yes to the (wedding) dress!
• Published their latest poetry book
• Being on the cover of Vogue UK
• Given birth to beautiful babies
• Just carrying on staying true to themselves and keeping motivated, positive and supporting the people around them 

Staying afloat and doing the most basic of things this year has, for many, seemed so much harder, so simply keeping going through it all is a huge achievement. Not to mention being there on the end of a phone, or sending food parcels or suggesting socially distanced meet ups have been a lifesaver for so many loved ones. 

For me, September saw a new start for me in the return to college. I’ve been completing my Level 2 Counselling Skills Certificate, after completing the Award in March: and I love it. I love the wonderful group of women (remarkably all women!) I am in a class with. They are genuinely the most empathic, kind, generous and loving bunch and I’m so glad I’ve been able to spend my time with them once a week! I’m definitely improving and qualification is a long way off yet, but it’s a good step in the right direction for my own self-development and taking this blog to a whole new level.

An end to 2020 (thank goodness)!

As 2020 draws to a close, and we all huddle at home during this winter-time, wishing for a better 2021, I can’t help but think how incredibly life-changing this year has been: for everyone.

We’ve been through such a period of unprecedented change, from the forest fires in Australia and California which started the year, and becoming even more knowledgeable about climate change, the Black Lives Matter movement and transgender rights; to women’s rights being infringed around the world, a wotsit being removed from the White House, children going hungry in the UK requiring Unicef support, a mental health crisis, a healthcare crisis, as well as the obvious pandemic. *and breathe*

I think we should be bloody proud! We’ve come out of 2020 a completely new version of ourselves, whether we know it or not, and going into 2021 we will look towards a vaccinated world with fresh eyes.

Hopefully we will take our learnings and apply them: we will continue battling for our earth, and be kinder, more understanding and less judgemental of one another. To help others and listen with real empathy.

And to anyone spending Christmas alone, or in a very different way this year: big hug and do feel free to message or contact me. You are loved more than you will ever realise.

So much love to you all, Merry Christmas and here’s to a fantastic 2021 *touch wood*!