I've Been Ghosted Twice By The Same Guy - Why?

Hi Eve,

I dated a guy for a month or so recently, we were Facebook friends for about 3 years as I met him at a festival. We were having a lovely time but I could tell he was very wary of emotional connection. After the 3rd time I saw him texts became less and less and eventually he ghosted me.

Obviously it felt awful but I didn’t want things to end bitterly and we had the same group of friends so would maybe see him around. I text him saying I guess that’s it for us and that I hoped we could remain friends. He then replied saying sorry and he couldn’t seeing working in that department and that he had fun and of course we could remain friends.

I replied saying that’s good and to have a lovely Christmas. He didn’t reply but then I got a text last Tuesday saying “Hey babe you ok” so I replied being friendly saying yes thanks, that I’d escaped to the countryside and how were things…..

He has now ghosted me again.

I’m trying to work out why he reached out again then ghosted he again. I don’t think he even wants a friendship does he? I’ll add he sent me that message after viewing a story on my fb!!

Trying to move on but feel he’s playing games with me.

Thanks Eve!

From, Ghosted and Confused

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Hi Ghosted and Confused,

Thank you for reaching out to me! I think many of my readers will be able to relate to what you’ve gone through (myself included!). Being ghosted is tough, it can be really hard to come to terms with what’s happened, without closure, in order to move on. You’re definitely not alone in it.

It sounds like what you’ve gone through is a mixture of ghosting and “orbiting”, Sometimes when people act a bit all over the place and ghost us, generally it’s not personal to us. This is all about the way they’re feeling, and unfortunately, your feelings are likely the last thing on their mind.

When people ghost, often it’s because they just want an easy life, they avoid potentially hurting someone and hope you’ll get the picture when they simply never come back. It also leaves the relationship open ended – so they can always come back with an excuse, “sorry I was really busy”.

You deserve more than this behaviour, as it’s really disrespectful.

I wrote a post back in 2019 called The Ghost Returns! 10 Reasons Why Someone Who Ghosts You, Comes Back… which sums up your situation well, but I think it’s pretty clear what’s happened.

The most common reason ghosts return, and likely why the guy you were talking to messaged is because he was bored. Especially in this pandemic, it’s never been easier to ghost people without consequence – it’s all online, so it feels less personal and like internet trolls, there is that element of “protection” by the screen. When people are bored, it’s so easier to send a quick message in the hope for some attention – as I said, this is likely for their own gain, and not personal to you.

In your case, he’s reached out with barely any effort. He’s said “Hey babe you okay”, after viewing your Facebook story, to see if you respond.

Because you replied with a thoughtful reply, he likely got a warm fuzzy feeling that you’re still there, willing to message and fill the void.

Where orbiting comes in – the reason he messaged. You say he saw your Facebook story – were you enjoying yourself, or doing something fun? Or perhaps were looking 🔥?

Orbiting basically means that a former flame is “keeping you in their orbit” — close enough to see each other; far enough to never talk. Like ghosting, orbiting is when direct contact with someone you’re dating is over, but they continue to engage with their content on social media, whether be viewing stories or liking posts. Orbiting can be a calculative action: they want to keep someone on the table or don’t want to totally write someone off.

I think the main thing to note is that someone who ghosts you cares more about their own self-preservation than your feelings. They will likely never provide any commitment, as a friends or otherwise, and you’re better off not giving them the satisfaction of a reply for a little while, even if you think it’s rude. There’s no reason why you can’t be friends in time, but it sounds like right now the lines are blurred, and he feels he can pick up where he left off, as and when he wants to.

I think by what you wrote, your gut knows the truth that he’s playing games and you truly know the way forward. Follow your feelings and you know in your heart what the right thing to do is. Never Settle for someone who doesn’t invest in you, or give you the time of day, you deserve so much more than that.

Big hugs and here if you want to chat further, just leave your email address on the submission form.