Hi Eve,
My boyfriend of nearly 3 years cheated on me in March (pre-pandemic) He decided to do this the day I travelled to London for work to talk about a complaint that someone had raised against me (apparently my skirt was too short- it wasn’t).
I’ve been cheated on in pretty much every relationship I’ve ever been in, so calmly responded as he was crying down the phone to me. More than anything, I don’t think I had the emotional capacity to deal with it at the time due to the work stuff that was happening!
To top it off, I managed to get Covid whilst in London so when I got home he had to look after me for the next week- we didn’t know it was covid at that point in time.
We had been living together for a year and a half at this point and I moved out when the lease was up, however we’ve still stayed together ‘to try and make it work’. We have spoken about him cheating on me a good few times since and all my friends were very supportive of my decision to stay with him (pfft when did we become adults).
But I often wonder if I hadn’t been away and then come back and had to be looked after, would things be different? Lockdown happened a week later by which point I still wasn’t quite physically well and I think I became scared of being alone in the middle of a pandemic.
I know the pandemic is far from over but I’m a bit exhausted with the relationship and would love some help!
Love a tired traveller xx
Hey Tired Traveller,
Thank you so much for reaching out to me! I can hear it’s quite a dilemma you have and you’re exhausted and confused by the whole situation. Not to mention the work problems you were dealing with plus getting Covid – I really hope you’re feeling better now and recovered.
The first thing I want to say is that you are worth being with someone who doesn’t cheat – full stop. This is all about them, and not about you, and there are many, many men out there who’s moral compass would never point to adultery.
I’m not sure of the circumstances around the cheating, but I presume your boyfriend, having been together for 3 years, knew you’ve been cheated on in the past? If so, it makes it even more hurtful that he cheated on you, knowing your history, as well.
This, in addition to the fact that you had a really stressful work situation on your hands, makes his timing even more selfish and unsavoury! If I’m honest, it sounds almost calculated to me, that he waited until you were safely in another part of the country. In order to actively cheat on you, it shows he wasn’t thinking of you or your feelings during this time, and how the stress would impact you, and to me that speaks volumes.
It’s a real credit your friends that they supported you no matter what, that’s true friendship right there! I’m so pleased you have a solid group of people around you, and do try to remember that when you’re evaluating your life with this person.
I could tell you the pros and cons of staying with someone who cheated, and it can work out, however reading between the lines I think you know what you want to do. If he’s being more of a drain on your life, than adding to it, and it’s exhausting you – you know it’s not a good sign.
It’s completely understandable to be terrified of being alone, especially in a pandemic, so I guess you need to think about what you really want. Is it him, or is it the safety of the relationship? Only you can answer that, but the fact that you’re thinking this much about it, to the point that you wrote to me, is telling!
Have a little think about where do you imagine yourself in 5 years time? How will your decisions effect you at this point in your life? Can you forgive him and know he won’t cheat again? The trust needs to be mended, is he willing to put in real effort that’s required?
Remember, Never Settle for less than what you deserve, we only get one life – you know in your gut what’s best for you, and if it’s him, and he proves can change, then it’s him. If you have doubts, and your staying because you’re scared of being alone, then it’s not him.
You deserve so much more than a relationship which exhausts you.
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