The Guy I Like Keeps Picking Me Up and Dropping Me | Ask Eve

Hi Eve,

I was talking to this guy who I was originally friends with on Facebook for the year before. We exchanged Snapchat and started talking on there and then exchanged numbers and spoke on Whatsapp too. We met up 3 times and it was lovely, getting to know each other every time, we got on well and had conversation etc.. he then one day went silent on me, didn’t reply to my messages. (Previous to this he would tell me he thought I was beautiful inside and out, caring, lovely, gorgeous, couldn’t wait to see me and wished we were cuddling up together and prehaps one day we could meet each others children when ready, everything seemed to be going well.)

I eventually heard from him 4 days later where he apologised for not speaking to me and said that he was stupid because he was getting feelings for me and that when he falls he falls hard and hes been hurt so much by women in the past and that he was scared I may not feel the same way. I replied the next day, as it was a late message, saying I understood him being hurt in the past, I wouldn’t hurt him and that I really like him, enjoy his company and perhaps this convo is best had in person (I always like to do this in person) he replied agreeing we should meet. (This was a wednesday) we spoke for a bit Thursday and Friday and then the weekend we chatted a little bit, the Sat evening he messaged me saying ‘I miss you’ I replied saying I missed him too. Didn’t hear from him Sunday morning so I messaged and said have a good day, he replied saying me too. Nothing all day until the evening where I asked how his day went, he replied then I replied then I get nothing back. This was around 9pm. Monday morning I get nothing so I called him to arrange when we should meet so we can get it in the dairy (as we hadn’t arranged a day and he mentioned the week before Monday or Tuesday) so we spoke on the phone and we agreed Tuesday evening he would come over, he said ‘I’ll be there’.

We didnt speak for the rest of the day. Tuesday came, I messaged in the morning saying looking forward to seeing you later, I’ve missed you. (I generally felt like I hadn’t shown any emotion before, whereas he said he missed me that Saturday evening) I got no reply to that message and then tuesday evening, nothing, he didnt even turn up and he didnt send me a message to say he wouldnt. I get nothing and my message is still on unread. So of course I am upset, hurt and confused as to why hes going silent on me again. I send a message saying I hope you’re okay and I said I am feeling confused and dont know what’s going on and why you’ve gone radio silent on me again, I said I dont want to be messed around and I dont deserve it either, said I am an understanding person and I would have appreciated some honesty. I did tell him how I truly felt about him as I would kick myself if I hadn’t, lifes to short.

I said I’ve fallen for him and think about him etc.. (which is true) I ended it by saying that I cant keep putting myself through the hurt, confusion and wondering so I’m going to move on from this and say we will just be friends as I’d prefer that if nothing else. He didnt reply to that message either and left me on Unread again until 3 days later when he ‘read’ (blue ticked) the message. Part of me thinks, maybe hes fed up of seeing my name pop up in notifications when ever he gets another what’s app message lol.

Anyway during this whole time even from the first ghosting, he keeps me on social media, keeps me on facebook and snapchat. However, when we were talking and meeting, he would like or heart my posts and view my snap stories. When he ghosted me first time, he kept me on them but didnt view my snap stories or like my posts. Then we were talking again and he would view my snaps etc.. then the 2nd ghosting he again went back to not viewing my snaps or liking my fb posts.

But still has me on there, kind of makes me think, why have me on there (snap) if you are not going to view my stories, its confusing. I wouldnt say I am clingy, or desperate and I dont think I came across that way. But he tells me how he feels then he ghosts me twice! I mean did he actually mean what he said he felt about me or was he just messing me around and perhaps I wasnt the only women he was chatting to. I don’t know.

We do have a mutual friend who’s known him for many years, since they were at school and my friend has told me he’s been through a lot and doesnt think he’d hurt me intentionally and there is some mental health issues going on which I do know a little bit about. That doesnt bother me at all, I would quite liked to have hoped I could have helped him by being there for him to be quite honest.

So I dont know, I am hurt, confused and constantly have him on my mind. I do try and focus on me moving forward and I am trying my best.

Thank you for listening to me.

Confused and fed up x

Dear Confused and fed up,

Thank you so much for writing into Ask Eve, I hear your story and it makes sense why you are thinking the way you are!

The fact that you’ve written to me indicates you’re stuck between a rock and a hard place. You really care for this man, and your feelings are entirely valid! However you are aware things aren’t working and his behaviour is making you confused and hurt.

I know it’s hard to hear, but this sounds to me like a mixture of “Love Bombing” and “Bread Crumbing”.

Love bombing is when someone you’re newly dating or seeing displays unnaturally large amounts of affection and adoration right from the outset, in order to win you over, sometimes without really knowing enough about you to feel so much. 

Unfortunately, with Love Bombing, after the initial period, those initial wonderful, “caring”, ways of showing you they care, are withdrawn, and either they ghost you or show their true colours.

Breadcrumbing is leaving someone hopeful of keeping the relationship alive by offering just the right amount of attention.

The same way ghosting is an “easier” albeit, cowardly, way of ending a relatonship or situationship, bread crumbing leaves room for return: so when they’re bored or feeling like they need some company, you’re there waiting. It’s a comfort thing for them, but will inevitably hurt you.

When he was liking your posts after ghosting you, it’s similar “Orbiting“, where he’s keeping you in his orbit so he can return when he feels like it, without putting in any effort. When he stopped looking at your social media, without deleting you, he probably just didn’t even think about it! Yet you’re constantly questioning it all.

When people act like this, there are often unresolved issues going on in their head and lives (and as your friend said, he has some issues), and they may have some form of avoidant attachment type: so when things start looking like their getting even a little bit serious (even if they were intense to begin with too), they withdraw entirely.

It is very important for Avoidant attachment types to maintain their independence and self-sufficiency and often prefer autonomy to intimate relationships. Even though they do want to be close to others, they feel uncomfortable with too much closeness and tend to keep their partner at arm’s length.

The way they act is usually NOTHING to do with you. No matter how amazing, perfect, compromising, patient and wonderful you are, this is the “programming” of this person at this time. Unfortunately when it hurts us, we often go over in our heads what we did “wrong”, or what happened, lots of “what ifs” or “if only”s. However no amount of change in you will change them. Even if you want to help him, he isn’t investing enough in you to warrant your selflessness.

Love is all about compromise and being selfless alot of the time, but when someone hasn’t invested time or effort into you, giving endlessly back to someone is only devaluing your self-worth. You’ll exhaust yourself and burn out and wonder what’s wrong with you. The answer: nothing is wrong with you! You’re just giving a lot of energy to someone who hasn’t earned it.

You even mention feeling “clingy”, but actually all your asking for is some clarification, which is not unreasonable. His behaviour is making you feel like this, but the person you’re meant to be with won’t make you feel this way.

You say you have fallen for him, so have a think about the qualities you like about him, and compare with the qualities he’s actually shown you. What actions has he done to show you that the qualities you like are real and genuine? How has he proved himself a worthy partner? Does his actions warrant your time and effort?

The person you’re meant to be with won’t tell you he’ll “be there” and never show up, or give an excuse. The person you’re meant to be with will be reliable and make you feel safe and loved, not clingy or confused. The person who’s right for you won’t go silent on you multiple times.

People come into our lives and we experience them for all they can give us, and that’s wonderful, but sometimes they give us little and get a lot in return: leaving you feeling unbalanced. It’s okay to move forward without those people: it just takes a lot of courage to do so.

You know in your heart of hearts what you need to do: he won’t change. Even if he doesn’t mean it intentionally, he is hurting you by his on/off behaviour. You deserve much more than this. You know you deserve more than this, when you ended it by saying you can’t keep putting yourself through the hurt and confusion.

You’ll likely never really know why he acts the way he does, and you can only control your behaviour. By not letting him treat you this way again, you’re giving yourself the best chance of finding real love with someone else.

It’s going to be sore for a little while, but you know what you need to do for your own happiness!

Never settle for less than what you deserve!

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