You feel the familiar dull ache in your pelvis, the twisty heavy pull which once brought a swift sense of relief, now brings with it a distinct feeling of disappointment that you can only liken to grief. Trying to hold back the sticky thickness in the back of your throat and prickle in your eyes as realisation hits home.
Another month, another month not pregnant.
Having tried conceiving for only 4 months, I hold my hands up and will say I definitely started the process with a naïve optimism and, to an extent, arrogance. I even wanted to make sure that we didn’t get pregnant too quickly with the wedding and getting married. Haha! Oh silly, ignorant me.
The first month came and went, and I wafted it away and decided impertinently that it was because of wedding stress and wasn’t meant to be. The second month hurt a bit, I was convinced it would happen that time. I’ve had a regular cycle all my adulthood, haven’t been on contraception since my debilitating exit from The Pill back in 2013, and even feel ovulation pain “mittlesmirtz” every month – a pain which I was admitted to A&E for back in 2016 when it was suspected to be appendicitis. There’s nothing “in theory” that would suggest there’s an issue.
Month 3, I thought maybe three times a charm, and by month 4, I was starting to believe that it may not happen. What was going on? Why is nature not taking its course and seizing the opportunity to inhabit my womb and nestle in for 9 months?
Researching what could be going on has opened my eyes to a world of information which I had no idea about. I thought I had a pretty strong grasp of all things gynaecological… oh how I was mistaken.
Did you know, you only have a 20% chance of getting pregnant every cycle? That’s just one of the things I’ve learnt.
“you only have a 20% chance of getting pregnant every cycle”
With basal temperature monitoring, ovulation stick testing and cervical mucas observing… this whole getting pregnant malarkey is harder than you think.
Unfortunately, when you start thinking about getting pregnant strategically, there’s the scope for the process to become formulaic and stressful. Not to mention, when you want a baby most, it seems Sod’s Law that EVERY one else in the world seems to be announcing pregnancies or births, with each one giving a little stab in the gut whilst you try to rationalise with yourself about feeling happy for them without feeling immensely envious.
Do I have the right mindset? Do I need to manifest it more and visualise having a baby, not just to “get pregnant”. I’m not sure I’ve had time to actually process the last couple of months. I’ve got married and been on our honeymoon, but predating that, my life felt the most stressful it’s ever been. High cortisol every morning, dread to go to work, hair falling out: I was in a really really dark place at the beginning of 2023 where I simply didn’t feel like me anymore.
Thankfully, with the aid of counselling and change of situation, things are feeling so much better.
I still need to prioritise myself and relax more. My constant long OCD to-do lists and not being able to relax until everything for anyone and everyone else or chores are done isn’t great. Of course, there are a multitude of other reasons why it hasn’t happened yet. In fact, there’s a world of them.
Endocrine distruptors, stress, hormone issues, deficiencies, egg reserve diminishing, amongst the need for sheer chance… it’s becoming more and more clear that all those scaremongering school PSHE lessons and doctors appointments where the motto was Don’t. Get. Pregnant. seemed to vastly overestimate some women’s ability to actually do so.
So despite all the raspberry leaf tea drinking and monitoring my “Qi”, contemplating fertility MOTs and going to the gym – sometimes it’s just not meant to be. Lay off on the pressure, focus on your well-being and keep moving forward.
As with every other month, you just have to pick yourself up, dust yourself off and think… let’s try again.
This post was written in July 2023. I found out I was pregnant September 18th 2023.
