Knowing The 5 Love Languages Will Transform Your Relationship

I was chatting to some girlfriends recently about the five love languages and how understanding them can truly transform our relationships.

We went through all five, how we feel love and how our partners express and feel love, often through different means. It was interesting to see how eye-opening it was for them, so inspired me to dive deeper into this transformative relationship topic.

Way back in 2017, I wrote my post Make Your Partner Truly Happy: The 5 Languages Of Love. It was about how I’d just read Dr Gary Chapman’s book,The Five Love Languages: The Secret to Love That Lasts, and how it drastically changed my view of relationships and how we communicate our needs within them.

I explained how Dr Chapman lists out the five language of love, and how to feel properly and deeply loved, your partner needs to communicate their feelings in a language in which you truly understand. The love “cup” or “tank” which is referred to, measures how well you feel loved. In turn, if you are speaking a foreign language to your partner, they may feel uncared for or less loved than your real feelings maybe. Their “tank” may be on the empty side.

Often we don’t even realise that we’re not showing our love in a way our partners can recognise. Sometimes we show them in a way which we understand – but it’s lost on them, as they may not feel it in the same way.

For example, if my love language was words of affirmation and I constantly complimented my partner, but theirs was acts of service – they’re not going to feel the love from the words in the same way they’d feel it from you making them a spontaneous cuppa, or doing something meaningful for them.

So, let’s recap, what are the five love languages?

WORDS OF AFFIRMATION

Actions don’t always speak louder than words. If this is your love language, out of the blue compli­ments mean the world to you. Hearing the words, “I love you,” are import­ant­ – h­earing the reasons behind that love sends your spirits skyward. Insults can leave you shattered and are not easily forgotten.

QUALITY TIME

For those whose love language is spoken with Quality Time, nothing says, “I love you” like full, undivided attention. Being there for this type of person is critical, but really being there, with the TV off, fork and knife down, and all chores and tasks on standb­y, makes your signif­icant other feel truly special and loved. Distra­ctions, postponed dates, or the failure to listen can be especially hurtful.

RECEIVING GIFTS

Don’t mistake this love language for materi­alism, the receiver of gifts thrives on the love, though­tfu­lness, and effort behind the gift. If you speak this language, the perfect gift or gesture shows that you are known, you are cared for, and you are prized above whatever was sacrificed to bring the gift to you. A missed birthday, annive­rsary, or a hasty, though­tless gift would be disast­rou­s, so would the absence of everyday gestures.

ACTS OF SERVICE

Can vacuuming the floors really be an expression of love? Absolu­tely! Anything you do to ease the burden of responsibilities weighing on an “Acts of Servic­e” person will speak volumes. The words he or she most want to hear: “Let me do that for you.” Laziness, broken commitments, and making more work for them tell speakers of this language their feelings don’t matter.

PHYSICAL TOUCH

This language isn’t all about the bedroom. A person whose primary language is Physical Touch is, not surpri­singly, very touchy. Hugs, pats on the back, holding hands, and thoughtful touches on the arm, shoulder, or face, they can all be ways to show excite­ment, concern, care, and love. Physical presence and access­ibility are crucial.

The best way to figure out your partner’s love language

Most people have a primary and secondary love language, so one which they feel most love, and another which comes a close second. Often, love languages in a relationship match, whether that be the primary or secondary, which makes things a lot easier. However, sometimes, we don’t share the same love languages and it takes time to learn how to speak them fluently.

Think about what your partner requests or asks for the most. What do they become most needy for? Do they like spending lots of time with you? Do they love compliments or gifts?

Alternatively, how do they show you love? Do they always have a hot meal on the table when you get home from work? Do they always buy you thoughtful gifts? Do they compliment you lots? As I say, often we show our feelings in a way in which only we understand.

Putting into practise

Now this is the harder part. We now know what our own and our partner’s love languages are. It can take real time to truly enforce the behaviours and ways of showing love fluently.

Start by trying to remember once a week to do something small for your partner, or talk to them about what things make you feel loved and what examples work well. It’s all about improving communication, and as a result, with little additions, your relationship will likely flourish.

Quickly you’ll realise that your love cups are feeling fuller and this can genuinely transform and improve your relationship for life.