Months ago, I promised one of my best friends that I’d write this post, because she was always saying she was so utterly rubbish at flirting.
So, here it is: How to flirt: tips and tricks especially designed to attract the guys you fancy.
The biggest question my friend used to say was: ‘I seem to only attract the boys I don’t want, but the guys I do want just don’t fancy me. WHY?’
A very good question. One which has a very simple answer.
Simply: around the guys you like, you get all nervous and worried. Whenever you’re nervous – the same as in an interview scenario – you don’t behave as you would in a comfortable situation.
The witty, creative, imaginative parts of you shut down, and you are left with a boring version of yourself.
With the person you fancy, you stop flirting and start concentrating too hard on what your saying, how you’re behaving and what they think of you. You stop allowing yourself to create the sexual tension which leads to attraction.
We end up not flirting in front of the person we like, because we don’t want to put ourselves out there – we become aware of potential rejection and our own vulnerability.
Around guys we don’t fancy – we are completely ourselves. We have no inhibitions, and don’t feel self-conscious or acutely aware of being embarrassing, or making them like us back. Because of this, we end up being our normal, goofy, funny, relaxed selves – which also happens to be super attractive.
But flirting should be subtle. It’s not telling someone outright that we fancy them, or asking them out – it’s the playful interactions which build up, leading to romantic attraction.
If you don’t assert yourself early on, it’s can be the difference between it turning into a relationship, or a friendship.
So what can you actually do?
Use original compliments
Forget ‘Oh wow! You look nice,’ and ‘Oooh I like your hair’, if someone is actively dating – then they probably hear the same compliments over and over. And it doesn’t feel special anymore.
Using different, more meaningful compliments not only makes them feel great, but you also seem really attractive: because you noticed something in them which others haven’t.
Perhaps they’re really talented at playing the piano – and you’ve just heard them play live. Instead of saying ‘Wow, you were amazing up there – you’re so good at piano!’ which he probably hears all the time, say, ‘I really admire how dedicated you are, to be able to play like that it must have taken you hours of practice. That’s a real commitment – seriously well done’.
This kind of compliment is more meaningful and different. You’re commending them on a quality which probably hasn’t been picked up on before.
Or maybe they have a hobby which is unusual. My boyfriend loves entomology (the study of insects) – different, right? But it also means that he’s super original, and can teach me loads about something he’s so passionate about. It also means there is so much scope for questioning – seriously what even defines a bug from a beetle?
My point being… If you pay a genuine interest in someone’s passion, then it’s way more fun than if you act like you just don’t really care.
Try not to story-trump
When we’re trying to impress someone we always try and make a connection from what they say.
Him: ‘I went to Thailand last year’ (something super exciting, which makes him seem interesting)
You: ‘Oh my goodness! No way?! I lived in Thailand, did you go to X Y and Z??’
Him: ‘Ah, no I didn’t manage to’
You ‘No problem, but definitely go there next time!’
Classic story-trumping. And what’s worse – you end up story-trumping by complete accident. You’re intending to be connecting and well-meaning, but actually it’s just cutting their experience off as not nearly as exciting.
Mix up conversation topics
Avoid going into a CV check: what do you do, where do you live, what you did at Uni etc.
We don’t need the logical questions at first. Try ‘so tell me something fun you’ve done recently?’ or something out-of-the-box, but still valid.
And if someone asks you the logical questions – don’t feel like you have to respond in a boring way: think of a funny response.
If they ask ‘What have you been up to today?’ Instead of a conversation closer of ‘Um, not much, you?’, you could say, ‘Ah well, I had THE most embarrassing experience at work – I tripped in front of my boss – flat on my face – and then managed to call him Dad!’.
It sounds super goofy, but it’s an instant silly ice-breaker – and shows you can laugh at yourself. Obviously don’t make up stuff, but be honest and remember something of note – not just the boring answer!
Which version of you are you showing them? The work version of you? The one who is with their boss? Or the version of you with your friends? Make sure you get yourself in more of a playful mindset.
Teasing is one of the easiest ways you can be playful. The good example of this in a passing conversation is:
You: “It’s a good thing you and me aren’t involved, cause we would be so much trouble for each other.”
Firstly, you’re playfully writing him off – and what do men want more than anything? What they can’t have.
You’re throwing out the bait to see if he’ll bite. And he hears ‘trouble’…..bite. He’ll be thinking from that point onward of all the ‘trouble’ you two could get up to. Saucy.
Make eye contact and smile
Eye contact is an obvious flirting technique – but most people don’t get the basics right.
Communicate that your looking at him, but don’t forget, guys don’t recognise signals as well as women.
Look twice – and the second time have a cheeky smile that says you’ve been caught out by him seeing you.
The way you communicate – touch and talking
Sounds strange at first, and I don’t mean seductive touching – just playful – but touching their arm or shoulder when they say something funny, or gently touching them if you want to get past them to get to a drink from the bar, is a perfect way to make that physical connection which adds instant sexual tension.
Furthermore, if we’re nervous when we start talking, we have a tendency to either go quiet or monotone, or speed up – so we can show how interesting we can be – but make sure you slow down, pause, and be more relaxed. Laughing will relax you naturally too.
Try not to get too het up thinking about what you say, or do – and just be yourself. Playfulness and humour always help!
Good luck and happy flirting!