Hi Eve,
I’ve been in a long term relationship with my girlfriend for several years, and she means a lot to me. But sometimes I’m not actually sure if I am in love with her anymore. I feel pretty hopeless sometimes and it’s nothing that she’s done, I just think that our relationship can be a bit boring and I’m not sure about feeling so comfortable. I feel like I’ve distanced myself from her because of it, and I rarely express how I actually feel to her. She gets frustrated cause she says I’ve changed too.
I don’t want to lose her, but I am excited by the possibility of something new with someone else. We’ve evolved and changed over the years and I feel like we’ve grown apart.
What do I do? I don’t feel like I’m “settling” as such, but also don’t want to let it get so bad that it becomes a mess with both of our hearts breaking.
Please help, I do love her and want to spend all my life with her. How do I fall back in love with her?
From,
Lost love.
Hi Lost love,
Firstly you should know that it’s common and completely normal to have times when you feel a bit more or less in love with your partner. Yet, it’s painful to have those slumps in your relationship that make you feel hopeless or questioning its future. At these times, even if you have lists of issues you know are causing problems with your partner, it can still somehow be hard to pinpoint why you lost the loving feelings that once overcame you. You may still “love” the person. You want it to work with her.
Here are some actions you can take to reconnect with what you felt when you fell in love, and fall back in love with your partner:
Remember to be kind
Simple as it sounds, kindness is really the key to staying in love. Research has shown that being more loving in your actions actually makes you feel more in love. Try to be kind in how you express yourself, this softens your partner, even in heated moments. It makes you feel good within yourself and creates space for your partner to ultimately move closer to you.
Try to not be too critical
Within our relationships, it is common to sometimes find yourself observing your partner through a critical lens. This lens can be exaggerated: for example, when you find yourself cringing at the way your partner coughs, or feeling overly annoyed when they forget to pick up something you asked them to get. You can also start magnifying your partner’s mistakes and flaws, and building a catalogue of irritating things they do. It is way too easy when you live together to pick them apart and get annoyed at some of their habits. After all, you know them pretty well. But the truth is, your partner probably always had these qualities, even when you first fell in love.
If you want to stay in love, you are far better off paying close attention to this critical inner voice and actively resisting its attitudes and advice. Simply, be compassionate and have an honest attitude toward your partner that reflects your real point of view and stops all the criticisms from drowning out your warmer feelings.
Vent in an appropriate way
Being frustrated or annoyed is okay. Your partner is not perfect. The point of “venting” isn’t to feel more righteous in your anger, but to find relief from letting out your feelings and, hopefully, coming to a calmer, more rational point of view. It’s really important to choose a person who isn’t tough or critical, but understanding and nonjudgmental.
Enjoy all the things you love about your partner
Notice the little or big actions your partner does that make you happy and feel lucky to be with them. What do you love and appreciate about your partner? You may like that they are really funny and always think of you when choosing new activities.Or you may love warm and affectionate they are. Just make sure to appreciate all the good things you love.
Mix up the activities you do together
When you first fall in love, the excitement to try new things is actually part of what creates a spark between two people. It’s easy for relationships to start to dull and become more routine as they go on, especially with the sharing of household chores or financial responsibilties, but these parts of life can also be part of that adventure, as long as you’re making time to do new things that make you happy.
Remember to be your own person, and allow your partner space to be them too
In the early stages of a relationship, both of you are separate individuals, with your own hobbies, friends and ways of life. Never forget what it felt like to be your own person; be sure to nurture the unique aspects of who you are, and extend this same kindness, respect, and curiosity to your partner.
When you become an extension of your partner, you may be sacrificing a part of who you are that they love, and of course, the opposite is also true. Sometimes we have to give our partner’s the support to pursue what makes them happy. Perhaps you need to give each other space to pursue your own interests and try not to place unnecessary restrictions or exert control based on your own insecurities.
Communicate openly
Try to take time to talk about real things in more depth. Let your partner know what’s going on in your mind beneath any chitchat or practical issues. Ask about what they’re thinking and feeling. There’s always something new to discover about each other, and if you keep showing interest, you’ll keep feeling toward each other, both because you know the other person, and because you’re known by them.
Little intimate moments can help
Physical affection makes you feel more connected. Being affectionate produces oxytocin in your brain. “Oxytocin is a neuropeptide, which basically promotes feelings of devotion, trust and bonding,” said psychologist and researcher, Matt Hertenstei. When you feel busy, stressed, or distant from your partner, it’s easy to go a while without expressing affection. When you do, it may be more routine, and you don’t necessarily let yourself slow down and enjoy it. Yet, just holding hands or hugging for more than a moment can reignite a loving feeling.
Remind yourself of who you were when you met
When you feel like you’re falling out of love, you not only long for or miss the person you first fell in love with, but you miss who you were and how you felt at that time. A lot of people want to be the person their partner fell in love with. Of course, every human evolves and grows, so achieving this isn’t about denying your development or pretending to be an old version of yourself.
Of course, this is all easier said than done. Staying in love means staying keeping in touch with your feelings. To fall back into real love, you have to take that full leap of faith, you can’t just amble along and hope things will change. It will take time and effort but that’s what a relationship is about: working hard at making it work. Your partner is worth it, and the grass isn’t always greener. Choose her, choose spending time with her and look forward to a life together.
Love,
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