Most of us would like to be in a relationship where we are happy. A healthy, happy relationship. But how do we know when we have a good relationship, or not? How do we recognise that we have a keeper?
To sustain a long term relationship takes work, but there are few things which if you can wholly say “yes, that’s us!” then you’re definitely on the right track…
1. You understand each other’s love language
Great couples instinctively know what makes their partner tick, what makes them feel loved, in a way they appreciate the most. This is speaking to your partner is their “love language”. There are five languages, and most people have one primary language, and one secondary, which if received, make us feel that tinkling sparkly happy feeling of being loved..
Recognise any of these?
WORDS OF AFFIRMATION – Actions don’t always speak louder than words. Out of the blue compliments mean the world to you. Hearing the words, “I love you,” are important – hearing the reasons behind that love sends your spirits skyward. Insults can leave you shattered and are not easily forgotten.
QUALITY TIME – Nothing says, “I love you,:” like full, undivided attention. Being there for this type of person is critical, but really being there-, with the TV off, fork and knife down, and all chores and tasks on standby, makes your significant other feel truly special and loved. Distractions, postponed dates, or the failure to listen can be especially hurtful.
RECEIVING GIFTS – Often mistaken for materialism; the receiver of gifts thrives on the love, thoughtfulness, and effort behind the gift. If you speak this language, the perfect gift or gesture shows that you are known, you are cared for, and you are prized above whatever was sacrificed to bring the gift to you. A missed birthday, anniversary, or a hasty, thoughtless gift would be disastrous–so would the absence of everyday gestures.
ACTS OF SERVICE – Can cleaning really be a way of showing love? Definitely! Anything you do to ease the burden of responsibilities weighing on an “Acts of Service” person will speak volumes. The words he or she most want to hear: “Let me do that for you.” Laziness, broken commitments, and making more work for them tell speakers of this language their feelings don’t matter.
PHYSICAL TOUCH – Not to be confused with purely bedroom antics. A person whose primary language is Physical Touch is, not surprisingly, very touchy. Hugs, pats on the back, holding hands, and thoughtful touches on the arm, shoulder, or face–they can all be ways to show excitement, concern, care, and love. Physical presence and accessibility are crucial, while neglect or abuse can be unforgivable and destructive.
The best way to figure out what your partner’s love languages are, is to think about what they nag/request/ask for the most. Do they like spending lots of time with you? Do they love compliments or gifts?
The combination of making your partner feel loved meaningfully, in a way they’d understand, and ensuring you feel loved – as well as understanding/appreciating what your partner DOES do for you, will make for a love that truly lasts.
[Read: The Simple Secret to Making Love Last]2. You laugh together
You have in-jokes, and private things you do which only you two know about. You make each other laugh when you least expect it. You or your partner may not be the funniest, but you make each other proper belly laugh in your own ways…
Couples who laugh together and can joke around are scientifically proven to be more likely to stay together long term.
3. You’re happy 80% of the time
It won’t always be sunshine and rainbows, but it’s realistic to say your relationship is great around 80% of the time.
20% of the time (or 10%, or 5% if you’re lucky), either you or they might be stressed, bored, lazy, a little jealous, or indulging that annoying habit of leaving their clothes and stuff lying around.
Nowadays we tend to expect a lot from our relationships. But it should come down to fairly basic questions: “Do they make me feel loved, desired, and appreciated 80% of the time?” “Does this person come through for me 80% of the time?”
It’s when they rise beyond that 20% threshold that we start to feel emotionally drained, stifled, and suffocated.
[Read: The Secret to a Happy Relationship]4. You each have time to do your own thing
You both have things you love doing on your own, and your relationship gives you the space and appreciation to do all those things. Quality time doing the things we love is so important to building our own happiness outside of the relationship. Having space from the relationship also gives us time to miss the other person.
In turn, this will only mean the relationship itself is stronger as we’re happier overall.
5. You and your partner have similar values and overall life goals
You may have different hobbies and individual goals in life, but your overarching values and life goals are in line, whether you both want a family, or are career driven, or believe in a certain way of living.
If you’re on the same wavelength, it’ll mean alot less clashes along the way.
6. You both contribute to the relationship, and act more of a team than 2 individuals
It’s not only one of you putting in all the hard graft, making the relationship stay afloat: you are a team, partners in crime, Bonnie and Clyde. You get the gist.
You don’t even need to question it as you’re so close, and working together comes naturally.
7. You respect each other’s families and friends
You and your partner appreciate that family is family, and find time to spend it with them. Neither of you bitch about family because you don’t want to – they’re the most important people in your partner’s life.
You both also respect that your partner has friends, and should spend time with them. Putting aside time for friends and family is natural and neither of you would ever stop each other seeing anyone.
8. You and your partner communicate your needs easily and feel heard, you value each other
You have a problem? You voice it. And you know that it’ll be heard the best it can be. You value each other and appreciate that needs must be met, even if it means receiving some criticism.
9. You feel openly able to discuss absolutely anything and everything… nothing is too much
You know you can talk about absolutely anything. If it’s something icky or sensitive, you know that your partner will understand or listen. Nothing is too much to say to each other.
10. You genuinely trust each other
You know, deep down, they won’t hurt you. Even if they’ve hurt you in the past, you know that it won’t happen again.
Caring, kindness, support, encouragement, and empathy are the watchwords of a good and loving relationship.
There is simply no room for rudeness, meanness, jealousy, insulting, degrading, blaming, guilting, criticising or judging.
Toxicity derives from jealousy and guilt, especially if it stops you from having an identity within the relationship. If you feel like you cannot do certain things or feel restricted, then perhaps your partner is too possessive and controlling.
It’s something to care for a partner, but controlling is not being caring, it’s manipulative and unhealthy. Often those who are in controlling relationships cannot see that they’re in an unhealthy position, but when your partner is actually stopping you from living your life… there’s a problem.
[Read: Red Flags Of A Controlling Relationship]
