Ask Eve: How Do I Let Go and Move On From My Soul Mate?

Dear Eve,

I ended things with my boyfriend, Garrett but it has been over a year and a half, we have both grown up so much and I want him back, so badly. I know we are soul mates but he refuses to get back with me. I am devastated. The reason we broke up was because there was distance between us (2 hours) and we both needed to figure out who we were and what we wanted in life. I definitely progressed as a human and feel like I know exactly what I want now.

I have an amazing career and I am ready for true love (aka Garrett) but he refuses to take me back or even talk to me for that matter. How do I let it go? We dated for 2.5 years and have been broken up for 1.5 now, I have had little flings and even tried to date someone for 6 months in between the break up but I CANNOT let Garrett go, he is my soul mate and I know we are meant to be together but I also know I can’t hang on to something that doesn’t want to be held on to.

Please give me advice on letting go and why hanging on is only hurting me.

Hurting x

Dear Hurting,

I’m sorry to hear that you are in pain. And what you’re asking is something we all ask ourselves at some point in our lives. How do we move on from someone we love? How do we let go?

Looking back, there was a reason you broke up in the first place: the distance. You may have required time to figure yourself out, but in the process of leaving the relationship, Garett learned to be without you. And although that really hurts you now and you want him back: it’s not necessarily fair to ask him to regain all those feelings he spent over a year trying to get over. It probably hurt him a lot too.

Breaking up hurts so much because your brain is wired to believe you are physically hurt. The feelings are genuinely all-consuming. And whilst you’ve not actually been physically hurt, your brain is informing your body that you have been. Love is also as addictive as drugs, so you go through the same withdrawal process. You will get through it, but it will take time.

[Read:This is Why Breaking Up Hurts So Much]

You say you want Garett, and you have the version of him in your head that you believe is your soul mate: the person you want to be with. But is Garett the only person who can fill that role? Definitely not.

I don’t believe in soul mates. I believe there are many people that can make us happy, love us and fulfill our needs and desires. But holding on to the memories and pining over them won’t allow you to find anyone new. You tried dating, but a part of you hasn’t moved on from your relationship with Garett, so you are constantly comparing.

It sounds like you need to give yourself a rest. You need to take a complete break from dating and work on the fantastic career you’ve carved: you’re clearly not over Garett. By dating other people, you’re only distracting yourself and using them as rebounds or to seek affection.

[Read: Are You The Rebound? 10 Signs You Probably Are…]

My advice? Work on yourself and genuinely take a break from dating, from boys.

Learning to be single is not about learning to be without someone, it’s about finding yourself again, about learning that you don’t need someone else to be happy.

It’s going to take a while, but now you have a career and good life which you can focus on. Letting go means taking off the rose tinted glasses and remembering other reasons why your relationship with Garett didn’t work.

[Read: The Newly Single Starter Kit: 12 Ways To Embrace Singledom]

Good luck on your journey, and keep me updated!

Love,