I'm Going To University In A Relationship, But Scared We Won't Make It

Dear Eve,

I’m going to University at the end of September and I’m moving away from home. I’m looking forward to moving, but I don’t think my boyfriend wants me to go. I’m worried that if I go, he will break up with me.

He’s not going to university, he’s going to stay back home and get a job. It doesn’t help that my family seem to hate him too! I don’t know what to do, because I won’t be able to afford to visit him and I’m not sure if he’ll visit me. We’ve been together for a few years and I really love him, but worried it’ll hold me back at uni.

What should I do?!?

Thanks,

New Uni Student x

Hi New Uni Student,

Thank you for your email! Congratulations on your university place and I hope you’re all excited and ready to go? You’re going to have the most amazing time – I promise you!

What you’re going through is something which MANY couples have to go through – including myself. Although, I went to the same university with my boyfriend of the time, and it was a decision we made together. Today, I do actually think we shouldn’t have remained a couple, as in hindsight it massively hindered my university experience, but it also meant that I met the amazing friends and went to the best university for me.

However your boyfriend won’t be going to the same university, or university at all. This is absolutely fine, but there were a few factors in your message which have concerned me.

I absolutely believe that long distance can work – heck, I was in it for a year myself. And there is no doubt that couples can stick through their university experiences and make it out the other side.

However, your concern that if you go to university, your boyfriend may break up with you, is not a great start. No matter how long you’ve been together, a partner is someone who should support you in your life choices, and push you to be the best you can be. It feels like he’s giving you the ultimatum: him or university. That is a massive red flag of a hugely toxic controlling relationship. It also make me question if he actually loves you for you and wants you to do well.

Ask yourself: do you want to be with someone who doesn’t want you to achieve the most you can?

I also know that you may think that him wanting you close and to himself is romantic, and he just cares. I hate to break it to you: it’s not romantic, it’s actually just hugely selfish on his part and it’ll hold you back from achieving your dreams and goals.

I’m a great believer in fate – that what will be, will be. No matter how much you want it, or force it, the outcome will be the same. If you both want to make it work – it’ll work. If he decides before you even leave that it won’t work, then it won’t.

If money is an issue, then you’d hope that he’d come visit you, but you don’t seem too convinced he will. Skype or facetime can be a great way of keeping in touch, and trusting each other implicitly will be the key. If he doesn’t want to make the effort, then honestly? Why are you trying?

You mentioned that your family don’t really like him. In fact, you use the word “hate”, which is a strong word! Family relationships with partners can be super tricky, but I like to think generally (apart from homophobic, political or racial instances) that you’re family should know what’s best for you in terms of relationships. If they really don’t like him, can you really see why they don’t? Is it something superficial, or is it for legitimate reasons like he hasn’t treated you very well?

Does he treat you well?

There are so many questions you need to ask yourself. Be honest with yourself. All those little niggles you put to the back of your mind: the concerns, the “whys” and “what ifs”. Think about it. Does this boy genuinely care about you so much that you are his number 1 priority, he wants you to be the best you can be? Does he support your dreams? Does he make an effort with your family? Does he make an effort on your birthday?

If the answer is no to any of those then maybe you have your answer.

You DESERVE someone who you adore, who adores you and works to make the relationship work, no matter what – without ultimatums. It can be very difficult when it comes to first loves. It’s all you know. You think, “what if I never find anyone ever again?”. But you WILL. and chances are, they’ll be on the same page as you. When you go to university, there will be thousands of people you will meet. They’ll have aspirations and goals and support you.

Personally, I actually only know of 3 couples (of MANY), who were together through school, which made it through university together completely unscathed. All other couples I knew either broke up or cheated on each other.

Weighing up what you’ve said, I think you need to have a really honest conversation with yourself: if your boyfriend doesn’t want you to be the best you can be, then you will be held back. Not just at university, but in life.

Think about it overall: you’re life is about to change massively, don’t be left behind because someone else doesn’t want you to move forward.

I hope that helps a little bit?

Thinking of you and let me know how it goes. But go to Uni, and ENJOY it! I wish I could go back… the third year of my uni experience was the best because I was single (and free) for the first time in years.