Women say they want to date nice guys, but their actions and choices often send a different message. We’ve all been there, sometimes the ‘nice guy’ isn’t for us, and we look for someone with more mystery, someone, well, someone like a fuckboy.
Dispelling the myth
The issue is in how we use the term nice. When it comes to romantic interest, nice can mean ‘needy, weak, predictable, boring, inexperienced, and ultimately, unattractive. If nice really meant weak and boring, however, then nice guys wouldn’t be attractive. Obviously.
The classic definition, however: kind, emotionally sensitive, and caring about others, is, actually, really appealing.
We use the word ‘nice’ to gently let down people who we simply don’t fancy. It doesn’t mean you need to be a dick to be attractive.
If you have nothing nice to say
Remember when you were young and taught, ‘if you have nothing nice to say, don’t say it at all’, and yet your school still had bullies. When young girls are taught, ‘if he’s mean to you, it means he likes you’, and we then proceeded to get our hopes up about nasty boys.
Sadly, for many people, these traits weren’t left behind during school.
The amount of grown adults who are simply not very nice, is astonishing. The amount of grown adults who are still attracted (in the short term) to people who are not very nice, is also astonishing.
Inherently, it’s linked to insecurity. But the worst thing is that being cruel, spiteful or nasty, or being attracted to those who are, always ends in tears. Both parties lose out: it doesn’t make people feel happy, loved or appreciated.
Not being a very nice person, will, eventually bite you in the bum. People will tire of it. People prefer people who are simply, kind.
But there is a difference between being kind and being walked over. Being nice and being too nice.
Don’t be a doormat
Being too nice is when you go above and beyond for someone who hasn’t earned it.
Dating is a two-way street: invest in someone who is actively investing in you. Whether it be time, appreciation, love or money. Over-investing in someone who really couldn’t care less will only get you a one-way ticket to Miseryville, Singletown.
Don’t be an idiot.
Science says so
Scientists from the University of Worcester and the University of Sunderland, said they wanted to know if altruism (selflessness) has any impact on how women choose a partner.
Researchers found that women reported men as being more attractive when the guys were paired with a scenario showing them doing something kind, generous or heroic, compared to men who were notable for their physical appeal.
The study included 202 women, who were shown pictures of 24 men of varying degrees of handsomeness, judged independently by the three study authors. Alongside the photos were descriptions of the men doing something like saving a child from a river or buying coffee for a homeless person. Other photos were accompanied with not-so-nice situations, such as the man refusing to help in either of the previous scenarios.
For long-term relationships, non-physical characteristics are more important: Women care more about kindness and warmth and less about status and physical attractiveness. In contrast, the new study found that selfish men were seen as more desirable among women who were looking for a fling.
Nice guys don’t finish last
Ultimately woman prefer people who are compassionate, caring and thoughtful for a long term partner. Nice guys may think they’re being left to the wayside, but in actuality, they are exactly the type of person we all want to grow old with.