Post written by Thomas Dockerill – The Nice Guy Writes
‘Treat others as you would like to be treated’ – a great philosophy in principle. I’d like to challenge this philosophy in the context of relationships, after all, our generation has a duty to challenge.
I think that there’s a distinct lack of focus and limelight on celebrating guys who are getting things right in a relationship. The ‘good guys’ aren’t usually as exciting to read about as the ‘bad boys’, perhaps because they don’t often tend to win out in the battlefield of love.
I have many female friends who have been in relationships that are slightly toxic and one-sided, whereby their other half has treated them poorly, played mind games with them, not given them the time and care that they deserve, or simply not cared about their feelings. It’s not pleasant to watch, and I often fear that this is becoming a widely accepted notion, that men are emotionally stunted or ill-informed in love.
But in reality, when all is said and done, I think that there are a lot of genuine, considerate guys out there who – when given a chance – could really make a girl feel special and contribute to a happy, exciting relationship. The secret to doing so, I would argue, is defying the aforementioned philosophy. So why shouldn’t we treat others as we would like to be treated?
” I often fear that this is becoming a widely accepted notion, that men are emotionally stunted or ill-informed in love”
Ultimately, we’re individual and have our own perceptions of what is good and not up to scratch. My idea of being treated is going to the cinema or sitting indoors with a movie and a takeaway pizza – which is fine (to a degree, as long as it doesn’t become habitual!) as that’s my guilty pleasure.
However, I can guarantee that for other people, this may be extremely boring, unimaginative and repetitive. Plus, if I were to suggest this to my girlfriend, it will have stemmed from a selfish desire for my own satisfaction, and not questioned ‘what would she like?’ More to the point, it’s not really a treat if I’ve planned it myself. That’s my guilty pleasure, and it should really be suggested by my other half. Otherwise, it’s not really a treat or a surprise!
My philosophy, and I think that this should resonate with many others, is: when you meet someone who completely blindfolds your heart, and knocks your balance completely off, treat them like the rarity they are.
Some of us may become romantically involved with several people in our lives, and certainly have an attraction to many more.
Guys – if you meet a girl who knocks down your walls, breaks down your man-made barriers, and makes you think ‘shit – I’ve never felt like this before!’ then you’ve found a real rarity. If someone can make you feel like that – if someone can make you feel genuinely happy and completely special, you should treasure that and make them feel special in return.
[Read: Nice Guys (Don’t) Always Finish Last]“When you meet someone who completely blindfolds your heart, and knocks your balance completely off, treat them like the rarity they are”
What does that require? It’s quite simple really…
Listening
When you’re first chatting to them, whether it be through Tinder, Bumble, POF, a date, at work, at the bus stop, wherever – listen! It will really benefit you. We each talk about things we enjoy when we’re first getting to know each other, and it’s these initial facts and details that are important.
Does she tell you what her favourite film of all time is? Does she tell you who her favourite band are? Good – remember these details and keep your eyes peeled, because wouldn’t it be great if you saw that her favourite band were rocking up in your city and you were to surprise her by saying ‘so I remember you saying you loved Maroon 5, so I got us tickets to go see them’. Or you saw that there’s an Outdoor Cinema screening of a film she’s mentioned before?
Okay, if they like Maroon 5, then you’ve hit a speed bump, but we all have our imperfections.
Top Tip: What is the one thing we carry on our person at all times? That electronic device that our eyes are mostly glued to all day long? USE IT. If she tells you what her favourites are, keep a list on your phone. Our memories are gradually being transferred to and relying upon technology – instead of fussing about the Black Mirror-esque world we’re living in, take advantage of it for your own gain and happiness. Keep a list of all the things your partner/crush likes, and then use that to plan little surprises or date ideas.
Listening doesn’t stop at favourite things, it also covers habits she likes/dislikes, activities she enjoys doing, places she enjoys going etc. You can also use these to plan the perfect surprises and activities.
Spontaneity
We all know about the ‘honeymoon period’, and how exciting a relationship can be at first. It’s quite easy to become complacent and comfortable in a relationship, and this can sometimes lead to things becoming stale.
There’s nothing more exciting than spontaneity. Every few weeks, buy a bunch of flowers and hand-deliver them, just because you want to show her how much you care. Phone her and tell her that you’re taking her out, on a surprise date. If it’s a nice day, pack a picnic and whisk her away to the park.
The spontaneity and the genuine thought and care that’s gone in to the idea and for thinking of her will really make her day, and realise how special she is to you.
[Read: The Simple Secret To Making Love Last]Show interest
Most likely, you’re a couple for a reason. You should naturally be interested in her and what she has to say, and what she does with her career or hobbies. When she’s talking to you, listen and take an active interest.
Try to remember what it is she’s mentioned previously, and every now and again bring it up in conversation! E.g. ‘how’s that poem coming along that you were writing?’ or ‘did you ever get around to booking that spa day with your mate?’ – knowing that your partner has listened and taken a genuine interest is really reassuring and strengthens the bond and trust between you.
Empathy
This one is a fine line to tread along with respect. If she’s having a bad day, don’t immediately extinguish the fire by suggesting solutions.
Sometimes we all just want to have a moan at how terrible things are, and if we’re confiding in our partner, we just want them to agree with us and hear us out. It’s not that we don’t appreciate ‘help’, it’s just we all need to complain sometimes.
Hear your partner out, give her a cuddle, don’t say too much. Offer to make her a drink, or if you’re not with her, turn up with her favourite chocolates and a cuddle, and let her know that you’re there for her however she needs it. Eventually you can move on to helping with a solution, but just knowing that you’ll listen to their problems and offer comfort is a really good trait in a partner.
[Read: Why Do Women Fall For Bad Guys?]“If she’s having a bad day, don’t immediately extinguish the fire by suggesting solutions”
Make her feel
Be present. Be in the moment. Yes, sometimes we can all be a little complacent and get comfortable in our relationships, and take our partners for granted. But as I said earlier, if this girl blows your mind, makes your heart skip a beat, and all of the other cheesy clichés, then show her how much you appreciate her, and how much you admire her.
I’m not saying you have to become a poet or a songwriter, but show her how you feel through the way you look at her. Look her in the eyes and smile, and see how deep you can stare in to them – you’ll likely find yourself realising just how much you love this person, and if you follow it up with a passionate kiss and a simple line like: ‘you really mean everything to me’, it will make her feel truly loved in the relationship.
Of course, this can and should be reciprocated from both parties in a relationship, but as I am a male blogger, I wanted to focus this on how I think men should treat women in their relationships. With the rise of social media and unhealthy obsessions, plus the cruel portrayals of relationships in mass media, it’s easy to forget how there are genuinely loving relationships going on, and how you can be part of one. There are a lot of men who like to play the field, and don’t commit fully, but there are also men who are genuinely looking for love and to bare their soul for a lucky lady.
Ladies, if there is anyone in your life who genuinely treats you like this, then thank your stars and hold on to them. If you’ve been caught up by poachers, ghosters, orbiters and what not, remember that not all men are like this, and you shouldn’t give up hope on finding someone like this. There are more ‘good guys’ out there than you realise, and they’re probably looking as hard for you as you are for them.
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