Nothing is more frustrating to me lately, than the shit some single women give to men (as a generalised group). Complaints about how dreadful all men are. How there is no one good enough out there. It’s the bitterness that seeps through from years of being rejected, hurt and used multiple times by a select few men.
As a result, the dating search begins for someone who ticks a list of things which we demand from our relationships.
“….He MUST be between 6ft and 6ft 4″ but no taller – that’s too tall. Any shorter, too small. He MUST be kind, loving, spontaneous, but also reliable and stable, compliment us, but not too much (how sickeningly sweet!), MUST have a good head of hair, and a good job, and passionate about something, and good with my family, and never talk back to me, chilled out – but not too chilled out, organised, but not too organised. He MUST want children and be good with them, want to get married and share my political views. He MUST be attractive – but not too attractive, not too preened or groomed, but fit enough to be proud to be with. Hopefully fit and healthy, but not too muscly. He MUST never fuck up or make mistakes. I MUST come first in his life…”
Phew. That was exhausting. But you get the gist…
We’re all so preoccupied with having the ‘perfect’ love that we don’t appreciate what’s in front of us.
We need to stop looking for ‘Mr Perfect’.
We need to stop restricting ourselves to this made-up imagination version of the person we want to be with.
Because chances are, they don’t exist.
Setting Yourself Up For Disappointment
I think the number one lesson that most of us forget is, that: people don’t come into our lives ready-made for us.
We are all human, and therefore inherently imperfect. We have different outlooks on life, hobbies, jobs, families, relationships and emotional behaviours. We are unique because no two people are the same.
There is a difference between someone who is perfect on paper, and someone who shares our similar, important values.
It is when we build a relationship with them: we learn their flaws, their insecurities, their life passions and worst fears: that’s the beautiful part of romance.
Love Comes When You Least Expect It
Give yourself the opportunities to meet new people by all means – get out there, talk to people, put yourself in situations where you will meet exciting new people. But putting that pressure on yourself to find ‘the one’, will just hinder you.
It’ll exhaust you. You’ll end up spending your life looking for a romantic spark in every man you meet. It means you’ll be disappointed when it doesn’t happen exactly when you want it to.
Love comes (genuinely) when you’re so preoccupied with other things in your life that they just walk into your life and bam! There is someone you’d like to get to know, and see where it goes.
They may not be packaged as ‘the one I will spend the rest of my life with’ at this point. But in time, they could be.
[Read: Dating Goals: How to Find ‘The One’]
The Checklist
Everyone has one. Whether it is subconscious, or written down: most people have a checklist of character or personal traits which they look for in another person when dating. If the person they come across does not tick a significant number of these boxes, we disregard them as not being suitable for us.
Whether it be that they have to be 6ft or taller, or have brown eyes, or enjoy football or support a certain political party, all these criteria actually actively hinder our dating lives. We have in our heads a hypothetical, imagined ideal picture of who we want – even before we go out and meet new people.
When you meet someone who feels right, who makes you laugh and smile, who you feel a connection with: it ceases to matter if they tick off every single thing on our list. You are attracted to that person, not only for the things they have, but also for the things that are missing. That thing you would look for normally? It doesn’t matter – because they are pretty amazing without it.
The right person makes you not care what they don’t have. They make you happy – and that’s all that matters.
‘Romantic’ isn’t when you meet someone who has everything you could ever ask for. Romantic is when you meet someone who is so great, that you simply don’t care about all the extraneous components which they don’t have.
This is why we need to stop having a check-list, and go with how someone makes us feel, not whether they match everything we look for in a person.
So open your eyes and move past the superficial deal-breakers. Allow new people to enter your life and give people a chance, you never know, you might just find what you’re looking for.
Mr Perfect doesn’t exist, but Mr Perfect For You does, don’t let him pass you by because he doesn’t tick every box.
[Read: The Biggest Dating Mistake: The ‘Checklist’]
This was great. Really pleasing to read. Thank you!