I’ve heard alot of dating advice in my short time as a dating blogger and researcher. I’ve read, listened to and watched plenty of people dish out the hot goss and best tricks to bag “the one”.
Some of this advice can be quite helpful, but some of what I’ve heard isn’t great, and comes from a place of hurt, or previous bad personal experiences and opinions, rather than actual research about relationships. You see essays on how people have been treated badly and walls coming up, and read awful personal accounts of betrayal. You also see some pretty out-dated, misleading advice, which probably will send you down the wrong track.
Looking from a place of psychological and sociological research, there have been lots of pieces of advice that I simply don’t agree with, so here I’m going to out the misconceptions and show you the worst pieces of dating advice I’ve heard…
1. When you meet the right person, you’ll know instantly.
It can take time to get to know someone properly, so applying the “love at first sight” rule may not be indicative of meeting the right person. They may grow on you, or you may hate them at first – who knows!
You won’t necessarily know from the outset, and you needn’t put that pressure on yourself to feel something right away. After all, we’re not in a fairytale, people!
[Read: Love At First Sight: Is It A Real Thing?]2. Play hard to get, or be a challenge, if you like someone
This can add to the thrill of the chase. It can seem like the right thing to do – not show all your cards at once. But what happens when you don’t show any cards at all? Well, the other person thinks you don’t like them, that’s what.
The best strategy would be to remain a person of high-value, and know your standards: to let them miss you, but to still show that you do like them. Allow for breathing space, and time for them to wonder what you’re doing but not to the point where you’re stand-offish.
Make a guy feel like he’s met an equal, not someone whom he can’t achieve being with.
[Read: Get the Guy To Chase You]
3. Never show your weaknesses or worst side before you’re firmly committed and in love
Okay okay, I get the well-meaning intentions behind this one. First impressions, of course, do count and you definitely don’t want to scare anyone away with super deep conversations on the first or second dates. Some advice says that women especially need to hold back personal information or deeper emotional revelations until the partner is firmly in love and committed, so that they don’t run a mile. However there is something fundamentally flawed with this.
Holding off sharing certain things for months is a how-to in forming an emotionally shallow relationship. Mutual sharing of personal experiences is a massive part of building intimacy as a couple. If you never delve into the deeper parts of your personality, then you won’t ever develop the crucial emotional intimacy which creates lasting relationships.
In fact, a relationship free of emotional intimacy is what people with avoidant attachment styles desire — people who have a fundamental intimacy-avoidant personality.
[Read: Attachment Types: How To Find Your Perfect Match]4. Opposites attract, so go for someone completely different to you
Opposites can attract one another, and even be great at cancelling out the worst in each partner. If you’re calm and your partner is hot-headed, it can be great to influence the best of us. However if you’re completely different in values, and life-views it can be really tricky and actually cause more issues.
Research suggests that these sorts of opposite qualities may initially attract us, but ultimately end up being sources of friction. A cautious person who is attracted to someone who is more spontaneous starts to see their partner as reckless and disorganised, and an emotional person who originally likes the really rational side of their partner, can become frustrated and feel like they’re dating a robot.
In a great relationship, you may have different hobbies and individual goals in life, but your overarching values and life goals are in line, whether you both want a family, or are career driven, or believe in a certain way of living.
If you have similarities, you also tend to have fewer conflicts, making for smoother relationships.
[Read: 10 Signs You Have A Great Relationship]5. You’ll never find anyone genuine if you date on apps or online
An absolute mistruth right here. Yeah, it’s great to meet people in real life, but if you’re busy or don’t have time – dating apps can be a real godsend! You can meet people who you’d never ever meet otherwise.
Sometimes those who use apps lie about their age and physical appearance. However, research shows that extreme lies are rare because people who are looking to develop relationships with those they meet online realise that such lies will eventually be revealed, and when they are, it would likely spell the end of the relationship.1
There is also a stereotype that people who use online dating are desperate because they are unable to get a date “in real life.” Contrary to this picture, research shows that there are almost no personality differences between people who date online and those who don’t. In fact, one study found that people who met their spouses online were more likely to be of higher socioeconomic status than those who met offline.
[Read: How To Handle Dating Apps If You’re A Little Bit Scared of Them]
6. If you love someone, they’ll already know instinctively
People aren’t mind-readers. And strangely, I think this can be easy to forget. We may know that we love someone, because we know our own thoughts and feelings, but the other person won’t necessarily – especially if you’ve never expressed them.
Presuming can lead to confusion, so having a clear line of communication and saying how you feel can really strengthen your relationship with someone. Tell your partner how you feel.
[Read: The #1 Reason A Relationship Goes Stale]7. When it’s real love, there will never be any problems
Pa. haha. Anyone and everyone who has been in a relationship where they deemed to have loved the person, can vouch for me on this one. It’s simply not true.
From bickering about the dishes, to full on arguments, every couple will have experienced problems on some level. This doesn’t mean they don’t love each other, and it’s any less real: it’s just LIFE.
Life hands us problems: externally from the relationship: jobs, hobbies, friendships, family issues, heck, even the weather can impact. As well as internally: difference of opinions, complacency, hormonal issues and stress from inside the relationship. Problems arise everyday, it’s just a matter of steering our way around them and still loving each other in the process.
To say that real love has no problems is pretty naïve and a potentially damaging point of view.
8. Don’t settle unless the person ticks every box on your checklist
Checklists, as you will know if you are a regular reader of my blog, are my pet hate and can ruin someone’s dating experience altogether.
Whether it be that they have to be 6ft or taller, or have brown eyes, or enjoy football or support a certain political party, all these criteria actually actively hinder our dating lives. There is no such thing as a perfect person.
By limiting ourselves to only dating the most conventionally ideal people, we close off all the opportunities, chances and experiences that a rich array of people could bring us. You may think that your perfect partner has to be tall, dark and handsome: when actually you’re missing out on all the funny, caring blonde guys who could actually be great for you.
‘Romantic’ isn’t when you meet someone who has everything you could ever ask for. Romantic is when you meet someone who is so great, that you simply don’t care about all the things they don’t have.
This is why we need to stop having a check-list, and go with how someone makes us feel, not whether they match everything we look for in a person.
People don’t come into our lives ready-made for us. It is when we build a relationship with them: we learn their flaws, their insecurities, their life passions and worst fears: that’s the beautiful part of romance. Follow your gut and try to avoid the bad advice around…
