How Do I Date Again After My Long-Term Relationship?

Dear Eve,

I’m writing to you as I’m looking for some advice / reassurance. I was in a relationship for four years but two years ago, the relationship ended. I was devastated and convinced myself I wouldn’t even be able to look at another guy again, let alone have sex with one or start a relationship.

Obviously heartbreak plays silly with your mind and low and behold, I have slept with people since (even though that took me a year!). However, I haven’t dated anyone at all since the break up and haven’t even come close. I lack a lot of confidence and the thought of meeting someone through Tinder / Bumble fills me with crazy anxiety.

Can you give any advice on how to meet people? And also, is it normal to have not even come close to any sort of dating life since the break up? I feel so out of the “dating game” and no idea how to even get into it.

Help!

Thanks, Difficulty Dating x

Hi Difficulty Dating

Thank you for writing in and having the courage to open up this conversation to potentially many people with the same issue!

First things first, can I just say that it is totally normal to feel as if nothing will ever be like your last relationship. It’s normal for it to take a while to sleep with someone new (what with being naked in front of a new person being terrifying in itself!), and it’s normal for it to take a long time to feel normal again. It takes roughly, on average, half the time of the relationship to fully get over it (unless you’ve been mentally checked out for a while). So you’re entirely normal at two years on! And that’s just an average. Every person is different and works to their own time frame in life.

I was exactly the same, way way back in 2015, one of my first ever posts on this blog was called Getting Back In The Dating Game… The Do’s and Don’t’s For the Naive Newly Single – read it and you’ll see how I’m totally like “what am I doing!?”, But 4 years on from that, I’m in a really happy relationship (which I didn’t get into until months after that post!).

Your confidence has been knocked massively from this break up, and until you are fully over the relationship you will struggle to see anyone new as a potential partner, or even enjoy sleeping with someone new! Some people feel free and confidence shines as they step out into the new world of singledom, others simply struggle to move on and often blame the end of the relationship on themselves.

Can I just say now, whatever happened in your previous relationship, however it ended: you are good enough. You are brave and kind (I can tell this from your message alone). There isn’t anything wrong with you and you absolutely deserve to feel love again, even if it takes a while to get there.

[Read: How to Get Over a Long Term Relationship, Move On & Feel Complete Again]

Try not to pressure yourself into feeling like you should be out there dating or sleeping with people: there are so many things to concentrate on. Whether it be your work, friends, hobbies – you don’t need to have a relationship and if dating gives you anxiety – then don’t do it.

You can meet people organically, and when the time is right you will feel like a new person. Yeah, it’s good to get your confidence up and dating after a long term relationship can help some people achieve that. But often dating is super scary and sometimes pretty shit – so going out there aimlessly may actually just knock your confidence more than staying put and pouring all that love and investing in yourself.

Looking after yourself is a massive part of building up that confidence: it means you’re not reliant on someone else to give you assurance, therefore no one can ever take it away from you. Take pleasure in the little things: a long bath and no one telling you to get out, going to the cinema and being able to eat all your popcorn yourself and simply enjoy the film – or just do whatever makes you happy!

To me, it sounds like you’re not ready to date again just yet. But if you do want to give it a go, then there are plenty of things you can do! Luckily I have a whole section on dating which can also provide some answers:

Maybe a good one for you? How To Handle Dating Apps If You’re A Little Bit Scared of Them

And to give you an idea of which ones are the best: Dating Apps: The Good, The Bad, and The Truly Terrible

Or forgetting dating apps – here are some events you can go along to with a friend? The Top UK Dating Events For You To Meet That Special Someone…

Here’s what you can ask and talk about once you’re on the date: 50 First Date Questions | Topics To Get You Through Any Date

Some things to ignore on your dating quest: The 8 Worst Pieces Of Dating Advice I’ve Heard (you can even hear me talk on this one with the podcast!)

There are loads more posts too on my website so have a browse!! I really hope that helps lovely, and I do wish you all the best. Let me know if you need any further help and feel free to write in again!