It’s one of the most asked questions when going through a break-up.
Heck, I’ve been one of the thousands to utter those fateful words! With hopeful doey eyes post-break-up asking, “is it possible? I don’t want to lose them”.
Unfortunately, most of us have been there, whether it be our first breakup or twentieth: it’s a super shitty, life-adjusting time and honestly, I wouldn’t wish it on anyone. The way our hearts and heads play havoc with us through a break up is horrendous.
[Read: This is why breaking up hurts so much]So when it comes to those final moments with each other, usually somewhere along the way, between the tears and the disbelief, the famous words are uttered, “but we can still be friends, right?”
Often our exes were our best friend, especially if you were in a long-term relationship. So losing the friendship, as well as the family members and the fun times can massively add to the feeling of loss.
You still care about them after all and remaining friends may seem like the mature thing to do. But attempting to remain pals before you’re ready can do more harm than good.
We often come away from the breakup confused as to how it’s going to work. Seeing your ex with someone new straight away will be painful, seeing them out doing things without you will be painful, seeing them at all, yep you guessed it! Will be painful.
[Read: How to handle seeing your ex with someone new]So to the big ole question bearing all this in mind: can you be friends with an ex?
To tell you the truth, yes, it is definitely possible to be friends with an ex. However, there’s a massive BUT.
There are a strict set of unspoken rules which will help guide you from post-break-up to true friendship, and the journey may not be as easy as you think.
Depending on the way you broke up, I often hear “can we still be friends?” from the party who was most hurt from the breakup. And undoubtedly with this comes strings of emotions, attachments and hope (usually to win them back).
I have most definitely been this person. And usually it comes after a tearful stream of nonsense, borderline begging and utter cold refusal to believe that the breakup is actually happening.
[Read: 3 Simple Steps to Win Him Back]To the magic answer:
To truly be friends with an ex, and to make it fair on your ex if you were the one to end things, the only way is after plenty of genuine space and time apart.
Most likely, it won’t be possible until both of you are in new relationships.
But it is important to prefix this with the fact that this is not necessarily applicable to all relationships.
If the relationship ending was a genuinely mutual decision (be honest with yourself here!) and you had a strong friendship beforehand, then yes you can usually glide back into the role of friends.
Even in this case, you need to be 100% sure there is no attraction or romantic feelings there, as it could cause more pain in the long run.
And I see you 👀 !!! I know there will be people who try and convince themselves there are no feelings there, when there are, just to remain friends and close. But honestly it won’t help you in the long run.
You need to put yourself first.
Space and time:
I am friends with only 1 ex: shocker!
And even then I don’t really speak much to him. I have zero feelings for him and genuinely the thought of dating him makes me cringe!
Space and time apart means you will inherently learn to live separate lives. It will allow your heart to mend and your mind to open up to new opportunities and people.
Often you will end up on different paths altogether, hence you may not even have the friendship as close as you may have initially liked.
And sometimes you even realise that you don’t even like your ex as a friend. You used to love them, but you don’t actually really like them.
[Read: How to Get Over a Long Term Relationship, Move On & Feel Complete Again]Being friends with an ex:
Some people will want to stay friends with an ex, other’s won’t. Either way, that’s okay.
Where is usually gets messy is when a new party comes on the scene.
Often both men and women are a little threatened when their new partner is still friends with their ex. This is a matter of basic psychology – no one wants to feel second best. If you’re still friends, chatting a lot, meeting up a lot, then there is the perceived threat of feelings still being there. This threat will ultimately stop the new relationship from ever flourishing or taking off.
Being friends with an ex, if either party still has even the slightest of feelings, will actively hinder any future new relationships either of you embark on.
Holding out hope that you can one day get back together by remaining friends and staying in each other’s lives will rob you of the opportunity to find the partner you really want.
[Read: How To Break Up With Someone (The Nicest Way You Possibly Can)]The key thing to remember: when it comes to having space from an ex, it doesn’t have to be forever.
It’s sounds really difficult to remove yourself from the friendship to allow yourself to mend – I’m not saying to cut them off, delete them and never speak to them again.
It’s simply to allow each other, and mainly yourself, to heal from the freshly cut ties of the relationship.
And who knows! You may just become really amicable, platonic friends going forward. Just be honest with yourself and your feelings and choose the right route for you.
Every break up is different, so settle into your single status, adjust and make sure that you’re okay before trying anything.
So all in all, you CAN be friends with your ex, but unless it’s entirely mutual, it’s really only after a good amount of time separated can we disassociate our feelings from that person, move on and remain platonic for the future!
