Hi Eve,
I’m coming to you, confused and in love. I would like to be head-over-heels but instead, I find myself constantly questioning my relationship with this guy… we’ll call him Tim.
Tim and I have been dating for about four months now and I’ve been uncertain from the get-go. At first, he was so different from other guys I dated that I felt like maybe he wasn’t worth a try. I’ve typically been more attracted to moody, artsy guys (great taste I know) and I would play second fiddle to their goals. With Tim, I was the prize and I was quite overwhelmed by it… especially since I wasn’t sure how I felt. In previous relationships that all only lasted about 3 months, I would want the relationship to work more than them… now the roles are reversed.
Early in the relationship, I learned that Tim had an angry streak that seemed contradictory to his light-hearted, easy-going personality. First, there was the low-level constant anger when we drove around and he would cuss at the other drivers. He didn’t register this as anger or road rage but instead as a “joke”. I told him it wasn’t funny. What really wasn’t funny was the degree that he exploded when we weren’t able to pick up our order from a restaurant. Something so mundane would never make me that angry.
That was when we almost broke up for the first time. We both cried, expressed a deep love for each other and truly wanted to work through it. Since that conversation, I’ve seen a huge behavior change but I still have concerns. Now the anger comes out when he talks about work. He speaks about people that frustrate him in such a visceral, cutting way I feel like I need to shower afterward. I also feel like I’m not a good listener in these conversations because I tune out to self-protect from all the negativity being thrown at me.
So why am I still with him? In many ways, he makes my life better.
I laugh a lot with him. Most of the time he’s playful and fun which makes me more light-hearted and vulnerable. He’s incredibly sweet to me and respectful of my unique interests (like tarot). I feel seen when I’m with him.
Still, I have questions.
He barely knows my friends either by his choice or mine. We haven’t really grown the relationship and I feel anxious to do that.
My question to you…
What do I do? How do I evaluate in an effective way so I can determine if I should invest in it or end it?
Thank you,
Confused & In Love
Dear Confused & In Love,
Firstly, thank you so much for your message. It sounds like you’re stuck between a rock and a hard place.
It sounds like you really are invested in Tim and he makes you feel good about yourself. Is that all that’s required for a healthy relationship? Unfortunately not. You say from the get-go you’ve had your concerns, and if I were you, I would do also.
Anger management is something we all cope with differently. Whilst many of us rarely get angry, others may be genetically predisposed to getting angrier, quicker.
What I would worry about, is you needing to be on eggshells when around him. If it gets to the point where you are embarrassed, or worried for your own safety, you must put yourself first.
No matter how lovely he is most or some of the time, if he’s aggressive or angry to others, then there is a chance he will be to you in the future. This is simply not acceptable behaviour and if it continues, you could be subject to coercive control behaviour such as gaslighting and manipulation – which ultimately is domestic abuse.
If you are finding yourself self-protecting when there is an influx of negativity, and therefore can’t be present around him or listen effectively, I think this would constitute as a large red flag.
You also mention that he still hasn’t met your friends, it may indicate that you are subconsciously nervous about introducing him, just in case he acts up.
I can’t make the decision for you, but I think in your gut you know what you need to do. Your first words to me were “I would like to be head-over-heels but…” and that speaks volumes.
A relationship or marriage is a commitment in the long term to someone. If after only 4 months you are finding problems like this, which are making you very uncomfortable, then you need to think what you want for your future. Feeling anxious in a bad way to grow the relationship would indicate you simply don’t want to.
You may weigh up all the pros and cons, and think how good he is to you most of the time, but ultimately manipulative and aggressive behaviour isn’t made up for by sweetness and apologies – it can have severe psychological consequences for yourself.
If you’re unsure still, take a read of my post, 8 Red Flags of an Emotionally Controlling Partner – this may give you an indication of his behaviour patterns and help you on your way.
If Tim is self-aware enough to realise he has anger management issues, then perhaps he would do well to have therapy or a form of course to improve his reactions, as there may be an underlying insecurity or psychological trauma from his past which is causing his anger outbreaks.
However this suggestion may not be appreciated or go down well at all if it comes from yourself, so make sure to look after yourself if you were to suggest it. People don’t generally change unless they make the active effort to look within themselves. You won’t change him and he won’t change overnight – the anger will be there unless dealt with professionally.
Ultimately go with your gut – don’t settle for someone who scares you or you can’t be entirely yourself around all the time – just in case he gets angry. You deserve so much more.
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