Do you have a healthy dating life? Are you seeing someone and know exactly where you stand? Or are you constantly waiting on a reply and never sure what exactly is going on?
Sadly many people in our modern day, grass-is-greener, dating-app-swipe society are simply used to unhealthy dating lives, and think that the treatment they are receiving, which is actually toxic, is normal.
We are ever increasingly used to shitty treatment, or waiting around for people. We believe that when we need to chase someone, that this is exciting and how it should be.
[Read: Stop Chasing The Wrong One, Cause The Right One Won’t Run]Fuckboys may be absolute nightmare, tear-inducing ticking time bombs, but they’re not boring. They are funny, suave, charming and you genuinely feel like the most important person with them, all the while they’re messaging a handful of other women when you’ve popped to the loo.
Bad guys (and girls for that matter!) are always just that little bit out of reach. They drip-feed you attention, tantalising in their unavailability – they give you just enough attention so you don’t go elsewhere, and yet still feel they’re attainable. Those glimmers of hope and effort, along with the pull-push behaviour makes him that much more interesting.
Then when a nice person comes along, we find ourselves confused – it’s all too easy. Something can’t be right. We push the nice people away as uninteresting and boring, ever looking to “change” someone who simply doesn’t want us for the long term.
[Read: Nice Guys (Don’t) Always Finish Last]I’ve spoken about this a lot, and it’s evermore prevalent. Someone close to me recently asked me if it was normal for the guy she is seeing to ask to see her, again, in a few days time, straight after their date! Heaven forbid – no waiting weeks for a text reply, or game playing, but simple, easy, “I want to see you again, soon”.
It got me thinking: have we forgotten what a healthy dating experience should look like? Do we think “charm” and “chasing” is the only way dating should be?
[Read: Why Do Women Fall For Bad Guys?]I’ve been thinking a lot, and decided to put together what a healthy dating life should look like, and what more of us should aim to have:
They pay attention to what you say
When the person you’re seeing actually remembers that thing you said in passing – or when you mentioned your favourite film, or something unique to you, can be surprising.
This shows that they care about you, and what you tell them. Actively listening and ingesting the information, so they can refer back to it is not only a sign of a good person, but also shows that they may be remembering these things for the future they see with you. You’re not just someone they don’t need to remember things about cause you’ll be gone from their life next month.
They actually want to see you
As per my aforementioned example, if they are interested in you, then they should want to spend their time with you! Fair enough it doesn’t need to be 24/7 or even every couple of days, but never seemingly initiating seeing you or expressing that they’d like to isn’t great (and also getting more and more normal)
If someone likes you, then it’s natural that they’d like to see you. So they’ll make it happen. If they’re always too “busy”, then they probably are, because you’re not a priority. Healthy is them wanting to see you, and making it happen.
[Read: How To Treat A Girl Right | The Nice Guy Writes]They reply to your messages in a timely fashion
None of this not answering you for days/weeks on end. Especially if you can see they’re online or have seen your message. You can allow a few hours, or when they’re at work, but if they just ignore you for days then that’s not great.
A healthy dating experience would include messaging to organise seeing you, or just chatting, or even a phonecall if they prefer to texting. Because they enjoy talking to you.
They take things at a steady, consistent pace
Much to some people’s surprise, rushing things too quickly is just as big of a red flag as taking things too slow. Take Sam Thompson from Made in Chelsea/Celebs Go Dating (Channel e4), for example. He talks about marrying the girl, or having children on the first date. He gets head over heels. Then once he comes away, he changes his mind altogether.
Conversely dating someone who doesn’t even have a pace – where you ask yourself “is it going anywhere?” is also, not great.
Someone who likes you, and is initiating a healthy, balanced dating experience will take things slowly but consistently: several dates of getting to know you, then steadying the pace, you know where you stand and it feels like it is going somewhere… not just standing still.
They aren’t ashamed to be out with you in public or introduce to their friends
The person you’re seeing actually wants to see you in daylight hours… a great sign! To top it off, they actually want to introduce you to their friends and take you out with them.
Where we can be used to only seeing people between the hours of 8pm and 6am, in the private of our, or their home, actually doing things which make us happy, activities we enjoy together, as well as meeting people who mean something to them is a strong indication that you’re experiencing a healthy situation!
They are transparent with you about seeing other people
They probably don’t like the idea of you seeing other people if you’re getting closer, someone who actually is interested in you will focus their attention on seeing you, rather than insisting that dating a handful of people is healthy. It’s fine as you’re getting to know people, but if someone is getting more serious about you, then they won’t keep you guessing.
Making things exclusive whilst dating is healthy, they should be fazed if you are seeing other people, if they don’t mind you seeing other people – it’s not cause they respect you, it’s cause they genuinely don’t care and are doing it themselves.
They are respectful about their exes
People who bring up their exes a lot are still hurting from what they’ve been through. Whether it be bitching about them being “psycho”, or awful, or whatever, there’s a difference between “yeah it didn’t work out with my ex, they cheated”, for example, and “they were such an awful person, I can’t believe what they did to me, they weren’t even good in bed anyway”.
It shows a lot about a person in the way they speak about other people. If they are respectful, then it’s healthy and you’re likely not to get caught up in unnecessary drama.
They make you feel good about yourself
If you’re in a healthy dating experience, it should be normal that the person you’re seeing makes you feel genuinely, completely good about yourself. From compliments, to remembering things you like, and going the extra mile – whatever it is, they make you feel truly good.
Not confused, or sad then ecstatically happy that they’ve actually messaged. Not unsure or worried about where you stand, or if you’re good enough. When a person genuinely cares about you, they will try to make you feel amazing about yourself, most of the time. You’ll feel truly comfortable in saying anything to them, not that you need to be careful what you say, or play games.
They will make the effort to come to you
Have you noticed a pattern in the unhealthy relationships? My final point in this post, is that when you’re with someone who is really into you, a healthy dating life, they will make the effort to come to you, or do things which make it a bit easier for you.
Forget always having to go to theirs at 2am, or do things on their time – when is convenient for them – they are considerate about your time, and needs. A healthy dating experience will be an equal level of doing things which work for you BOTH. They’ll show up on time, and make an effort. Not just cancel on you when you’ve travelled an hour to see them, or expect you to always go to them.
At the end of the day, if you’re looking for a meaningful relationship, going for someone charming but unavailable won’t get you anywhere. It’s exciting, but you’ll end up feeling worse about yourself in the long run. If you are dating someone who exhibits these healthy dating signs, give them a chance!
Do you recognise anything I’m saying? Have you felt this way? Let me know in the comments!
