Hi Eve
I’ve been seeing a guy from work. I’ve only known him for 2 months, and we started off as friends. I told him not to, but he then broke up with his long term girlfriend and we started going out on dates. I’m not going to lie, my feelings for him were so strong – I was falling way to quickly… The first kiss was all sparks, and we slept together.
But then he went on holiday with his ex, which they’d organised when they were together, but promised me nothing happened. Because I didn’t hear from him over his holiday, I may have messaged him a few times and the more I was ignored the more I messaged him…
After all the messages, he sent me one back telling me he wasn’t interested in me, and I was acting like a “psycho girlfriend” all because he just would not message me. I’m in pieces and it’s ruined me as a person, as I’m not myself any more, as I feel down and depressed all the time. He works with me, and he is back home next week but then I go away so won’t even see him properly before that, and it’s killing me.
What do you suggest I do? I’ve never met anyone like him. He said talk when he gets back, so I’m hoping I can explain why I messaged him, as he said I put him right off him.
Thanks,
Head Over Heels x
Hi Head Over Heels,
Thank you so much for getting in contact, and I’m really sorry you’re feeling like this. You’ve fallen for someone very quickly and it’s understandable how we react this way – almost manically to try and keep them. However this only pushes them away, as you’ve found out with him messaging you.
Of course, there were some red flags. In the beginning (him being fresh out of a breakup), and that you’d only known him a few months. As your feelings are quite involved, I’d be really careful going forward not to hurt yourself more. The first thing to remember is, you’ve only known him for 2 months, and haven’t been seeing him long. You say you’ve never met anyone else like him – which may be true, but you simply haven’t had enough time to invest in him enough, or understand him enough to believe he’s the perfect person you believe him to be.
You probably also need to take what he says about his ex with a pinch of salt….. he will naturally still will harbour feelings for his ex, therefore he may not be telling you the complete truth.
[Read: 5 Signs He Doesn’t Want a Relationship]The second thing is, he’s literally told you he isn’t interested anymore.
Alarm bells should have gone off BIG time on this one. If a man says he doesn’t want a relationship, he DOESN’T want a relationship. He’s not just saying it to play a game to make you want him more. He’s not saying it to get a reaction. He’s not saying it because he has nothing better to say. If he wants a relationship, he will actively make it happen – plus he’s just come out of a long-term relationship.
Stop chasing. Stop chasing someone who clearly doesn’t want you. Stop fighting, stop wanting, stop wasting your time, stop giving your energy to someone who ultimately doesn’t care. Because you are worth everything, and if someone is willing to walk away – then you deserve more. Don’t chase the wrong person for you, because the right person won’t run to begin with.
[Read: Stop Chasing The Wrong One, Cause The Right One Won’t Run]Thirdly, your manic messages – When do we want something most? When we can’t have it. Calling, texting and essay-writing constantly is smothering. It’s not reminding him that you exist – it’s repelling him. This is a mistake that ALOT of men and women make. We think:
‘but if only he knew how much I love him‘,
or ‘but if I say this, then he’ll definitely realise I’m the one for him‘,
or ‘but he’ll forget about me if I don’t see him- he’ll think I don’t care‘,
And proceed to bombard with messages, ring multiple times, demand to see them as soon as possible. Well, grab your things and wave goodbye to any possibility of getting back together, because these are the thoughts which will ruin relationships. Allow for breathing space, and time for them to wonder what you’re doing that’s better than talking to, or seeing him.
It is counter-intuitive, but when women fixate on a guy obsessively, they destroy their mood and ability to be attractive. Neediness is a fear of loss. When you believe that you could lose something, you’ll instinctively want to regain it – and neediness is a part of that, you end up worrying, and ultimately don’t act like yourself.
[Read: 3 Simple Steps to Win Him Back]It’s really hard when your’e in the position – but do you really want to be with someone who treats you like this? Someone who pushes you away and goes on holiday with his ex? Honestly, you are worth SO much more than that – show him that you know your value and walk away. Walk away, with your head held high, treat yourself, make yourself IRRESTIABLE so he realises what an idiot he was, and you’ll be leaving the situation the stronger one.
[Read: Under The Influence of Love: The #1 Sign You’re Just a Back-Up Plan]There’s no need to meet him, there’s no need to explain – it’s been made perfectly clear, and seeing him again will probably only hurt you more. As always, just remember your WORTH and value girl! You’re stunning, gorgeous, really caring and kind and you don’t deserve to be treated like a consolation prize – I know you know that deep down. Don’t be someone’s back up plan!
Love,
